Avoiding Triangles in Relationships

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47rDdeSPTGs

“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.”  Pema Chodron

The concept of triangulation was introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen. Bowen observed that when people in relationships experience conflict, they avoid dealing directly with the conflict by addressing it with one another, and instead they draw in a third party as a way to ease the anxiety. Bowen called this triangulation. Triangulation can be a way to diffuse a tense situation through venting and yet going to a third party can often complicate our relationship with the person we are upset at. The obvious fix for triangulation is to go to the person we are in conflict with and address it with them directly.  However, often people are reluctant to directly address problems with one another and unfortunately triangulation can cause much strife among friends and family members and can lead to years of avoidance and this learned behavior can be passed down from generation to generation.

When we choose to see someone as the problem, oppose their views, blame them, or choose not see anything redemptive in another person than we are behaving in an emotionally reactive posture. So if we find ourselves demonizing or blaming someone and venting to another person about this person, we need to be aware we have found ourselves in a triangle.

It is important to recognize the potential for triangulation in our relationships and to avoid participating in triangles when possible. We must work to de-triangulate in situations where we find triangulation already exists. Anytime we find ourselves agreeing with the communicator about a third party or defending the third party we have been triangled.  We also have been triangled when we lose our ability to maintain neutrality about the involved parties or when we find ourselves taking sides.

The best way to behave when someone invites us into a triangle is to not attack or defend someone but to have a neutral response. A non-anxious response is an emotionally mature response and non-anxious people are often well-liked and very successful. The key to de-triangling is to remain in contact with the people in the triangle, while controlling our own response so that we are emotionally neutral. When we de-triangle we are able to listen deeply and hear someone vent about another person or situation, but this does not mean we have to defame anyone or choose sides in a situation. If we are sought out for advice, we need to make sure that we do not say things to the advice seeker that we would not say directly all parties in the triangle.

It is important to avoid drawing in others and trying to get them on our side. Rather, we should take our concerns directly to the person we feel has wronged us or with whom we are feeling frustration. If addressing the conflict directly is difficult for us and we find ourselves feeling like we need to draw others in to the conflict, we must evaluate what is making us feel anxious enough that we feel the need to create a triangle to alleviate our anxiety.  If we have tried addressing the conflict and feel like this was not well-received, it may help us to discuss the situation with an uninvolved third party with the intention of processing how we can better address the situation with the person we are in conflict with.

Let’s reflect on the following questions?

• Do we ever gossip about a third party?
• Is it more important to feel like we are “in the right” instead of addressing the problem with the person who has upset us?
• Do we tend to focus on a perceived flaw we see in someone else and talk to others about this person?
• Do we tend to vent to others we are mad at in order to make ourselves feel better?
• When do we triangle in someone or something else?
• Is it possible to relate to someone without involving a third person or issue?
• How can we avoid triangulation in our relationships?
• Can you imagine being calm, not taking sides, or becoming emotionally reactive when a family member vents to you about another member of your family?

The reality is we are all human and find ourselves in triangles from time to time.  I know at times I find myself in triangles that I have created or that someone has pulled me into, but we grow emotionally as we learn how to avoid generating them and how to find our way out of them when others invite us to be in one.  As we learn how to avoid producing triangles or how to de-triangle ourselves when a friend, co-worker, or family member comes to us to blow some steam, we exhibit our emotional maturity and our ability to be a calm presence in the midst of the anxiety of life.

Let’s try our best to avoid dysfunctional triangles,

Christy