Giving Up Gossip

This week an acquaintance spoke to me about the death of her grandmother and she shared with me that this coming Thanksgiving will be the first Turkey Day to spend without her beloved grandmother.  She told me the holiday was going to be really hard because her grandmother was the matriarch of her family and was the person who really brought everyone together. As I listened to her share memories, she remembered her grandmother as a person who made you feel good, and never had anything bad to say about anyone. Even though dealing with this loss and the grief she feels is incredibly hard, the gift of her grandmother’s death is her recognition that she wants to leave a similar type of “legacy” to others, like the imprint of kindness her grandmother left on the world. She admitted to me that like all of us, she gets caught up in gossip at times, but her grandmother’s way of talking lovingly about others and not gossiping has left her with the will to try her hardest to live her life in a similar way so she can leave her own legacy of love one day.

This conversation made me think of my Grandmother Bell. My grandmother was a loving soul, who was committed to treating other people with kindness. In the 24 years I knew her, I never heard her speak maliciously about others. Now I seriously doubt my grandmother was perfect, and I am sure she had her human moments where she disparaged other people in some way, but I know her overall practice was to strive to treat people with kindness, grace, and encouragement. During this week of Thanksgiving, I think it is important to be thankful for and to remember those people who have died and who have impacted our lives, and as we think of them, we have the opportunity to recommit ourselves to follow in their loving footsteps. I want to live my life more like my grandmother, so that my words lift others up instead of tear them down. To live in this way, means I need to be more mindful of my commitment to leave a legacy similar to the one my grandmother left, to be more careful with my tongue, and to think about the reasons I gossip.

Before we open up our mouths to belittle someone else, we need to remember what it feels like to be talked about in a negative light. When someone talks bad about us, it hurts and makes us feel small. We also need to remember the telephone game we played as kids, that taught how quickly a story changes as it is told from one person to the next. In the game, a message is given to the first person in a line or circle of people and then they are instructed to pass the message on by whispering it in the ear of the next person. The message goes from person to person until it reaches the end of the line or circle, and that person announces the message to everyone. In most cases, the message that is announced to the group is quite different from the message that was originally given to the first person in the line. This game that we often learn as children, is a lesson that can serve us well, as a reminder of how stories can be misinterpreted.

But it is also important to remember that how we experience an event is also based on our current circumstances, our history, beliefs, feelings, and social connections. So even if we experience something 1st hand and want to vent about it, we need to be mindful that our understanding of whatever happened is based on our own feelings and perception.  It also seems important to try to imagine what it must be like to be in the shoes of the person who offended us. It benefits us to remember that the person who irritated us, may be experiencing a painful time in their life and their reactions to us could be based on their own insecurities and pain. There is a quote that is often attributed to Plato that says, “Be kind.  For everyone is fighting a battle of some kind.”  It serves us well to remember this before we start to speak ill towards someone else. We must remember the person we may be tempted to gossip about is facing heartbreak and pain in life, just like we do.

We often gossip out of our own insecurities to make ourselves feel better.  But the harsh reality of this is that when we speak ill of someone else, not only do we diminish the light of the person we are speaking ill about, but we lesson our own light as well. We display our need to develop more emotional maturity when we vilify and demonize others, instead of taking the time to look for the gifts and graces of others. I can think of times this month where I have fallen short and spoken negatively about others. Although we all have times when we need to vent, I recognize that I usually regret when I speak poorly about others. We have the choice to gossip, live self-righteously, criticize and scapegoat others or we can empathize, encourage, and empower other people in our lives. When I die, I hope I am able to leave a legacy like my Grandmother Bell.  I am thankful for the ways she taught me to speak kindly about others.

• Can we think of someone who has died? What kind of legacy of love did they leave in this world?
• How can we live our lives in a more loving way and speak words of love and grace about one another?
• Can we think of 3 gifts and graces a friend, colleague, or family member we are upset with has?
• Why do we gossip?  What do we gain from speaking disparagingly about others?
• Who have we gossiped about recently?  How does remembering this person has battles in their life they are facing, help us to be kinder to them?

May we leave a legacy of love,

Christy