Lightening Our Load

“Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” Anne Lamott

William Sloane Coffin once said, “I think, therefore I am? Nonsense! I love, therefore I am.” Valentine’s Day is coming up and during this season it seems like as good time as ever, to consider how we can abide more in love. One type of extravagant love is forgiveness. Our shared humanity means we all make mistakes and so forgiveness is something we all need to receive and offer. It may even be a good mantra to say to ourselves at the beginning of each new day. “Today I will need to offer forgiveness and receive forgiveness.”

I think it is important to be mindful that we don’t need to rush too quickly to forgiveness. Anger and sadness are important feelings to own and explore when someone lets us down. So let’s give ourselves permission and grace to explore our feelings. But when we get to a point where we feel like our anger is starting to weigh us down, it might be the time to lighten our load and start the process of forgiveness.

We need to remember that forgiveness does not necessarily equate to reconciliation. Obviously, it is wonderful when reconciliation is possible, but sometimes when emotional, physical, or sexual abuse has happened, reconciliation is obviously not going to be an option.  And so offering forgiveness does not mean we have to stay in a relationship or a friendship, with someone who has hurt us.  Or maybe we do choose to stay connected to our offender, but we set boundaries to protect ourselves.

When it comes to forgiveness, we need to be aware that when we cannot forgive others, we cannot forgive ourselves. And the reverse is true as well. When we cannot forgive ourselves, we cannot forgive others. So the better we get at offering extravagant kindness to others, the better we will be at offering ourselves abundant grace and vice versa.

We also need to consider whether there are people we are not conscious of who we need to forgive. We might start this forgiveness work by asking, “Who is it hardest for us to love?” This may be a family member, a colleague, a friend, a member of our faith community, a political group, or a politician. So again, let’s ask ourselves this question, “Who is it hardest for me to love?”  Once we answer this question, we need to explore why it is hard to love them, and what we might need to forgive them for or even what we might just need to let go of about them that bothers us. Whoever we identify, is probably the place where we need to start our forgiveness homework.  It also helps to remember that forgiveness can take time.  It can happen in an instant, but it is more likely to be a process that happens gradually, because of our intention to offer it.

I have had counseling clients share with me that forgiving others is something that after a lifetime of living, they still have not learned how to do. I have worked with many patients who are dying, who recognize the weight they are carrying by being angry at a family member. They want to be in a place of peace before they die and so I am often asked by these patients advice about how to forgive.

So how do we begin this journey of forgiving others? I have found that it often becomes easier to love someone when we try to put ourselves in their shoes, when we actively pray for the person, when we remember the gifts and graces the person has, when we consider the person who has hurt us is often acting out of the pain in their own life, and when we wish for the best for this person in their life.  Deepak Chopra says, “It helps if you remember that everyone is doing their best from their level of consciousness.”  So empathy can serve us well in the process of forgiving one another.

It may even help to perform a ritual of forgiveness. The forgiveness ritual might be as simple as lighting a candle in honor of the person we want to forgive, and as we light the candle reminding ourselves of the light inside of us and the person who has offended us. This may seem challenging, but we all have light and goodness within us, and looking for the beauty in our offender can be a great way to start the journey of forgiveness. We are all broken and beautiful. If we can see the light in our offender, we will also be more likely to see the light in ourselves, in spite of the fact that we too are broken.

Just as Martin Luther King Jr. served time in jail, due to his efforts for equality for all in the United States, the civil rights leader, Nelson Mandela, was also imprisoned during apartheid in South Africa. Nelson Mandela reflected on forgiveness and his time in prison saying, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hate behind, I’d still be in prison.” What do we need to let go of in order to find freedom in our mind, body, and spirit?

How can we take a step today towards forgiving someone or even forgiving ourselves? Sometimes anger can start to accumulate in our bodies and when we choose to forgive ourselves or someone else we can feel lighter. My dad struggled with addiction throughout my childhood. When I was about 15, I can vividly remember the weekend when I decided to forgive my dad for his shortcomings.  I felt 10 pounds lighter and I remember people telling me after this decision that I looked so happy.  Forgiveness can truly be freeing.

Let’s lighten our load,

Christy