Healthy Grieving: We Remember Them

I highly recommend the documentary, “Saint of 9/11.”  The film highlights the life of the Mychal Judge, a Franciscan friar and Catholic priest, who was also a beloved New York City Fire Department chaplain. Mychal Judge was one of the first to die at the World Trade Center, when debris fell on his head as he was following firefighters into the lobby of the north tower.

In the film, Chaplain Mychal is remembered as a gentle man, who was charismatic, down-to-earth, selfless and joyous. In the early days of the AIDS epidemic, when even medical personnel were fearful of physical contact with quarantined patients, Chaplain Mychal ministered to dying AIDS patients in hospices and hospitals and he would physically embrace them with a hug.

On September 11, Chaplain Mychal could have left the trade center. He was a friend to Mayor Guilliani and as he stood with the NY Mayor at the feet of the twin towers Mayor Guilliani said to him, “Come with us” and Chaplain Mychal told the mayor of NYC, “No…I have to stay with my men.”

Not long before Chaplain Mychal was tragically killed he was quoted as saying:

Sometimes in life when we lose someone we love and we don’t know what to do, we should just pray and worship: Thank you, Lord, for their lives, for their love, creativity, for their friendship, their good days and bad, for their happiness, for their anger, for everything they’ve brought into our lives. These are things we should say about each other always. If we did, life wouldn’t be half bad. I hope someday that someone says things nicely about me as I said about them through the years.

So Chaplain Mychal suggests that we honor people who have died, when we remember them.

I recently took my 7 year old niece to see the movie, Coco.  We both loved Coco and it is a wonderful movie for children (and adults) to watch, but especially for those who have been through the death of a grandparent, parent, or another loved one. The movie is all about death and dying, and is beautiful reminder of the importance of remembering those who have gone before us. In the movie, the main character Miguel, sings the song, Remember Me. His song reminds us to “let the love we have live on” by remembering those who have gone before us.

I once attended a conference on grief. The speaker had us go back to kindergarten and trace our hand. After we outlined our hand, we were invited to remember a loved one who had died, by writing some characteristics of our loved one, on each finger of the hand. We also were able to talk with a small group of people about the memories we wrote on the hand. The five fingers on my hand said: intelligent, adventurous, musical, faithful, and independent. It felt so good to remember my grandmother at this conference and it still feels good, to write about her and remember her in this blog today.

One of my favorite poems on grief, is written by Rabbi Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer.  The poem says:

In the rising of the sun and its going down,
We Remember Them.
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We Remember Them.
In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring.
We Remember Them.
In the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer,
We Remember Them.
In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn.
We Remember Them.
In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We Remember Them.
When we are weary and in need of strength,
We Remember Them.
When we are lost and sick of heart,
We Remember Them.
When we have joys and special celebrations we yearn to share,
We Remember Them,
So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are part of us.
As We Remember Them.

Healthy grieving means not only remembering a person’s gifts and graces, but also recognizing their shortcomings and any pain the person may have caused you. Sometimes the difficult memories are harder to remember, and yet I think it is important to remember and tell the story of our deceased loved ones, by sharing both the joys and sorrows that they brought in our life.

Whether you talk to a loved one, clergy person or counselor or join a support group offered through hospice or in the community, we all need to give voice to our sorrow. I encourage you to find a time in the near future to give yourself some space to remember a loved one who has died. You can do this by spending time with a friend and sharing sacred memories of your loved one. Perhaps you will choose to sit quietly by yourself and light a candle in memory of your deceased friend. Or maybe you find healing and hope through visiting your family member’s grave.

• Who has died in your life, who you need to find space to remember?
• What are five positive attributes this person had?
• Do you have any difficult memories of your loved one?

Each of us, have our own unique ways of remembering, but however you do it, I encourage you to find a way to remember the saints in your life who have died.  I invite you to take your hand to your heart right now, as a symbolic reminder that your loved one will continue to remain in your heart, as you remember them.

Let’s Remember Them,

Christy