Affirmation: A Love Language We All Need
Lately, I have been aware of a growing tendency in our culture to demonize one another. Earlier this year, Fergie, sang her own unique version of the National anthem at a NBA all-star game. The talented musician tried a sultry jazz approach and while it was not my favorite version of the national anthem, I was shocked by thousands of cruel and mean-hearted responses on Twitter to Fergie.
More recently, the news host, Laura Ingraham, disparaged David Hogg; a 17 year old student who survived the school shootings in Parkland, Florida. On Twitter, she shared: “David Hogg Rejected By Four Colleges To Which He Applied and whines about it…”
I am sure Laura regrets her comments (we all make mistakes), but I was disheartened she would make fun of a teenager, for not getting into college, especially when he and his classmates have just experienced so much trauma and grief. But even though I did not like Laura Ingraham’s message to the Parkland teen, I think we have to be careful to respond in a thoughtful way to her, so that we are not continuing the vicious cycle of hate-filled responses. As adults, we talk to kids about bullying, but more recently it is us, the so-called “grown-ups” that are doing the bullying.
A research study, conducted by Heaphy and Losada, examined 60 business leadership teams, to determine the ideal “praise to criticism ratio.” They found the most effective of the 60 teams, had a ratio of 5.6 positive words to 1 negative word. Words of praise included phrases like, “That’s a terrific idea” and a negative example is, “I don’t agree with you.” The lowest performing work teams, had almost three negative words for every positive one.
My husband’s love language is affirmation and I have noticed that when I affirm him and tell him I am proud of him, it is as if he becomes an Easter lily that blooms or a butterfly that soars out of the cocoon. When I am being critical towards him, the budding flower closes back up and I clip his wings and ability to fly.
Everyday on social media, in our workplaces and in our relationships, we have the choice to speak words of life or words of death to one another. You will find that your workplace, marriage, friendships and the world we live in, will thrive more, when we start treating one another with dignity, love and respect.
- Who do you have the hardest time loving at work?
- Who is the most difficult person for you to connect with in your family?
- If you are in a relationship, how can you be more affirming to your romantic partner?
- How can we be kinder to people who have different political persuasions than we do?
- Do you find yourself being defensive, critical or passive aggressive towards others?
Perhaps it is difficult to think about how we can be kinder to the family member who is, “Good for nothing.” When I start to feel this way about someone, I remember Brene Brown’s sage advice, “People are hard to hate close-up. Move in.” How can we move in closer and start to see the gifts and graces of the people we struggle to see and appreciate? We have all been through difficulties and pain, and love is a universal need that everyone deserves. Affirmation is a love language we all need. Let’s stop the bullying and move in closer and fill this world up with love.
Let’s see and affirm one another,
Christy
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