Into-Me-See: The Pathway to Intimacy & Connection

When I was completing my supervision hours to become a licensed therapist, one of the counseling supervisors I studied under asked me to think about the word intimacy in an entirely new way. My supervisor broke down the word intimacy to into-me-see. For me playing with the word intimacy in this way was quite profound. In order for someone to have intimacy with me, they must see into me and in order for me to have intimacy with others, I must see into them. Additionally, in order to have intimacy with myself, I must be able to see and love myself.

Doesn’t it feel good when someone sees into you?! It is amazing to be seen whether someone is seeing your physical beauty, creative self, spirituality, intellectual gifts or emotional intelligence.

I can still remember being a junior in high school and trying out for a part in the musical, My Fair Lady. One of my friends flattered me by telling me she thought I had a chance to get the lead part of Eliza Doolittle because I looked the most like Audrey Hepburn of all the people trying out for the part. While I ended up being a part of the cast of My Fair Lady, I sadly did not get the part of Eliza or any prominent part! However, when my friend compared me to the iconic beauty, Audrey Hepburn, I felt seen. This compliment was given to me 25 years ago and yet I have not forgotten its power, because at the time I was a teen who felt invisible and deeply insecure.

More recently, I felt seen when I took our beloved cat, Owen, who has a terminal diagnosis to the vet. Our vet, Dr. Keller, is so empathetic and each time my husband or I have been to the office, Dr. Keller has gently touched our cat, but he has also taken the time to acknowledge our grief and affirm the ways we are caring for Owen. On several occasions his own eyes have even welled up with tears as he felt the pain of what we are facing with us. Whenever someone offers us empathy and compassion, this is another pathway for intimacy to happen because someone intentionally sees into us and imagines what it might be like to be in our shoes.

When I was studying to become a yoga teacher, I learned that the word Namaste can be translated from the Sanskrit language to mean I see you or I honor you. Often yoga teachers will end a class by saying, “The light in me sees and honors the beautiful bright light in each one of you. Namaste.” I believe one of the most important life skills we can learn, is to mindfully look for the beauty in one another and to see one another. We are called to see one another’s gifts and graces, instead looking for the flaws in ourselves and others.

In her 1941 diary, Anaïs Nin wrote, “Where the myth fails, human love begins. Then we love a human being, not our dream, but a human being with flaws.” I think one of the biggest roadblocks to intimacy in our current culture is our propensity toward autonomy and judgment. Often therapists help clients set boundaries with family members and friends who are overbearing and challenging. Learning to set limits is an important emotional tool to practice and when emotional, physical or sexual abuse has happened, very strict boundaries should be enforced. And yet, sometimes I worry that some people today are overemphasizing boundaries to the point that firm boundaries are being set not because of abuse, but because we are only seeing one another’s flaws instead of stopping to see the positive qualities that are present in others.

It seems like instead of having healthy boundaries, some people are taking boundaries to the extreme and completely cutting themselves off from family and friends. These cut-offs can lead to a culture that is lonely, anxious, angry, depressed, polarized and individualistic. Instead of looking at one another with the eyes of love, our current culture seems more apt to demonize colleagues, strangers, friends and family and see one another’s faults, instead of seeing the beauty that is in all of us. Joseph Campbell once said that when we are intentionally seeing others, “…where we thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god…” We can create negative stories about others or we can look beyond their shortcomings and see the image of God inside of them.

All of us fall short, and if we only look at one another’s growing edges and brokenness, then we are stifling the potential in others. However, when we look for the good in others and offer one another encouragement, our friends, family members, and colleagues will experience life and growth, and in turn, we also will live more fully. When we diminish others we diminish ourselves, and when we nurture others we nurture ourselves. If our culture would shift and make the choice to see into one another, I think there would be less fear and division and far more connection and intimacy in our society.

So instead of choosing the way of autonomy and judgment, let’s choose the path of Into-Me-See, which invites us to the see the gifts, beauty and even pain that our neighbors, colleagues, family members and friends are experiencing. If we choose this road we will find more intimacy and connection with one another.

Namaste!

Christy

 A version of this article was originally published in The Mountain Mirror newspaper. https://www.mountainmirror.com/