Setting Limits with the Holidays

The Christmas song, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” is often played during the holidays and yet as counsel people in my office the lyrics to this popular tune are often changed to, “It’s the Most Stressful Time of the Year.” Instead of it being the happiest season of all, people often are more stressed and depressed during the holidays than any other time of the year.

During this time of the year there are too many expectations and we feel all of these demands in our bodies. We experience pressure by the culture surrounding us to create holiday magic by carving pumpkins, putting mums on the front porch, perfectly raking the fall leaves and cooking a turkey that is not overdone. And just when we have finished these tasks, it is time to put up the tree, hang the lights, send cards, buy and wrap presents for loved ones, attend endless parties and travel out of town to see our family.

This also can be a painful time for those experiencing their first holiday season without a loved one. There is a term for this called “Blue Christmas” and often during this time of the year there are Blue Christmas bereavement support groups and memorial services to support those who are feeling of the absence of beloved saints who have died. But even for those who have not experienced bereavement, the holidays can be hard for a multitude of reasons including the end of a romantic relationship or a job loss. This time of year can leave you choosing Scrooge’s curmudgeonly greeting, Bah Humbug, instead of a merry and bright one.

This is supposed to be a season of hope, peace, joy, love and light and so how do you find your way to experiencing life in the holidays, even if this time of year might be difficult in some respects? I think one way to enjoy this season is to be honest about what rituals are life-affirming and which ones deplete you. What traditions are meaningful to you and which ones are creating forced Christmas cheer?

It is especially important for you to slow down and evaluate your holiday priorities if you tend to already be someone who over-functions in life. I know it is my propensity to overdo the holidays and life in general, and so it is especially important for me to think carefully about what holiday customs I want to keep and which ones I need to let go. Recently I was sitting with my husband, Andrew, listening to the sound of a rain storm and then I remembered all I had intended to accomplish that evening and so I told Andrew I was going to go upstairs to do some work. I shot up out of my seat and then sat right back down in the chair and told Andrew I had changed my mind. I knew deep down that what I really needed to do was rest and enjoy this sacred moment with my husband. And so I made the choice to choose a moment of solitude with my spouse and the peaceful sound of the rain, instead of conquering my things to do list. In the same way, it is so important to mindfully experience the gift of this season, instead of just rushing around with a Martha Stewart complex trying to achieve all you think you have to do.

So I firmly believe one way you can be more present and alive during this season is by considering what holiday traditions you want to let go of and which ones to keep. Do you really want to decorate the outside of the house with lights this year? How many cards do you plan to send, if any? Is it essential to you to fix a grand holiday meal or would it be more life-giving to make a reservation at a restaurant this year? Which parties do you really want to attend this year? Do you have to travel out of town? Are you willing to set boundaries with the holidays by thinking carefully about what really matters to you and brings joy to your spirit?

The answer of what is life-affirming at this time of the year will be different for each one of us. For some of you who have experienced grief through divorce, death or another loss, it may be especially imperative to slow down more than you ever have so that you can be gentle with yourself and attend to your feelings. If it is not a season of grief for you, you also will benefit by slowing down during this season. When I set healthy limits with the holidays, I end up with more peaceful moments sitting on the couch enjoying the sparkle of the Christmas tree lights and I also find myself joyfully singing my favorite hymns. Instead of choosing the frenetic pace of previous holidays, maybe take some time this year to consider what is truly important to you during this season. If you take time to reprioritize, maybe it really will turn out to be the most wonderful time of the year. My kidprayer is that you will be more diligent to set some healthy limits with the holidays, so you may experience the hope, peace, joy, love and light of this season!

Let’s set boundaries so this season will be merry and bright,

Christy