Learning to See our Two Wolves

The spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhism, the Dalai Lama, once said, “You are perfect, you just need a little work.” These two statements seem to be paradoxical and in tension with one another. In fact, I imagine the Dalai Lama said this with a twinkle in his eye. The Dalai Lama seems to be trying to convince us that on one hand we need to accept that we are worthy just as we are, and yet on the other hand we need to embark of a journey of growth. In a similar way, the Bible communicates that we all sin and fall short of God’s glory and yet we are created in God’s magnificent image. And so in these two distinct religions we hear the wisdom that we are broken and beautiful. 

Emotionally intelligent people are able to see their strengths and weaknesses. Not only are they able to see light and darkness in themselves, but they can also see it in one another. Sometimes as human beings it is easy to get in a pattern of beating ourselves up, but when we do this we are more likely to demonize and shame others. We often treat others in the same manner we treat ourselves. If we are not able to see ourselves as whole people who have gifts and graces but also a shadow side, then we will continue to distance ourselves from one another, but also from ourselves, which will lead to a culture of shallowness, polarization, shame and narcissism.       

In Dr. Kristin Neff’s book, “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind,”she tells the following story:

A Native American wisdom story tells of an old Cherokee who is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil—he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you—and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

One tool I use with my counseling clients is the Enneagram. The Enneagram is a personality typing system that has recently become as popular as the Myers Briggs. The Enneagram suggests there are 9 intrinsic personalities and once we know our Enneagram number it will help us to understand both our growing edges and our strengths. I am purposely using the word growing edges instead of weaknesses, because the phrase “growing edges” implies that we can be on a journey of becoming new, by working on our edges. In essence the enneagram is telling us we have two wolves inside of us and it is inviting us to feed the good wolf but to also be aware that the evil wolf is always there inside of us. If we are not diligent to be self-aware of both wolves, we will not grow. We must attend to both wolves by nurturing the good wolf and working on the evil one.     

The number we have on the Enneagram is also rooted in our story. I am a #2 on the Enneagram, which is often referred to as a Giver or Helper. In The Wisdom of the Enneagram, authors Riso and Hudson, list nine “Lost Childhood Messages” that relate to what each of the nine types most needed to hear as children. The message the #2 desperately needed to hear as a child is, “You are wanted.” When I was a child I knew my parents loved me deeply and they both formed me to be the person I am in so many positive ways, but in spite of their many strengths as parents there are still pieces of my childhood that led me to question my value to others. As a youngster I was the proud big sister to twins brothers, but invariably twins and youngest children get a great deal of attention and so I now wonder retrospectively if at some level this made me question my own value. My father struggled with workaholism and alcoholism, and so there was a subtle message that these two addictions mattered more than I did. The unconscious childhood message, “You are wanted,” turned in to a desire to prove my worthiness through helping, giving and often being indispensable to others.

The Enneagram reminds me that I have two wolves inside of me. This personality system allows for the paradox that I am already enough, but also gently invites me to work on myself. It tells me that as a two I can be generous, warm-hearted, empathetic and self-sacrificing, but I also have a shadow side that struggles with self-care, pride, people pleasing, and boundaries. Whether or not you ever take the Enneagram, I hope you are able to find some ways to work on acknowledging the brokenness and beauty inside of you. Once we start to see ourselves as whole people, who are both fallible and gifted, then we will start to see our spouse, friends, families, workplaces, religious communities, politicians, nation and world in this way. Acknowledging our two wolves will lead us on a life-time journey of healing and wholeness, which will create change within us and in the world.  

Let’s acknowledge our brokenness and beauty,

Christy

A version of this article was originally published in the Mountain Mirror. www.mountainmirror.com