Finding Balance between Grief and Life During Covid-19
I originally wrote this article for a monthly newspaper here in Chattanooga, Tennessee called the Mountain Mirror. We submit our articles for this publication a month ahead of time and so I wondered as I wrote the words to this article on April 1, what will life would be like for us all on May 1? There are so many uncertainties in front of us, but what is certain is that COVID-19 has changed our lives overnight, and we are all grieving. The grief is different for each of us, but many of us feel grief over the loss of our freedom, our financial security and the meaning and purpose we found in the rituals of our daily lives before all of this. We feel anticipatory grief and fear for our parents, our children, our friends, our jobs and perhaps most deeply the fundamental reality of our own mortality.
This week someone texted me to let me know his nephew, who was only in his 20s, had died in a car wreck. My heart ached for this family and I imagined how hard it would be to have a funeral for a young person with a minimum of 10 people in attendance. My uncle died of lung cancer in November and even though his death was devastating to our family, I felt so grateful that we were able to have a moving funeral for him with a packed congregation to honor a life well lived. But how sad it is that so many will have to forgo or wait on funerals, weddings, baby showers and anniversary and birthday parties in the coming months. Only now do we truly appreciate what a gift it is to celebrate occasions of joy with one another, but to also support people in physical ways when they are grieving.
Often when I work with clients who are grieving, they are surprised when I let them know having issues with concentration and memory are very common symptoms of grief. Even though I am not seeing clients in the office right now due to the importance of social distancing in combating this virus, I am seeing some of my clients through a telemedicine website virtually. In these online sessions one of the big words I keep hearing clients use is the word “distracted.” They tell me they are having trouble finding the energy to read, relax, engage in hobbies or even perform simple tasks like showering.
The first week I spent at home hunkering down, I really delved into my feelings. I felt sadness that my 4 ½ month old baby girl would be isolated from her grandparents, family and our friends at a time when she was growing so quickly. I experienced a strong sense of a loss of meaning and purpose, since more than half of my clients wanted to wait on resuming therapy until we could meet in person or they could afford to resume it. I worried our country’s grief, polarization and economic downturn would turn into blame and lead to greater levels of violence, poverty and xenophobia. And there were many other ruminations that all related to life being turned upside down seemingly overnight. And all of these thoughts were important things to ponder and feel, but instead of dealing with these feelings in healthy ways, I started to numb my pain through stress eating, watching too many mindless shows and reading too many scary articles about the coronavirus. Therefore, it was no surprise that my anxiety skyrocketed.
Thankfully, when I felt this anxiety pop up physically in both my stomach and chest, it made me realize I needed to start utilizing my healthy coping mechanisms immediately. Of course, we are going to continue to have days and moments when feel lonely, unproductive and distracted due to the grief and pain of all of this. When these moments come we need to just be gentle with ourselves and have permission to feel our grief. If we decide to cope through too much Netflix, we can offer ourselves an abundance of grace for this! But we are going to be healthier if we choose to find life in the midst of our fears. Once I shifted from numbing my pain through TV and the over-consumption of coronavirus articles, I started to find my way back to joy and life. These are some of the life-sustaining practices I’ve been doing to combat the coronavirus blues:
- Setting an intention of three professional and personal goals to accomplish each morning
- Connecting with friends and family on the phone or on apps like Marco Polo and Zoom
- Going on daily family walks (while staying 6-8 feet apart from neighbors!)
- Singing to my daughter
- Keeping the house clean
- Dancing to my favorite hip-hop music
- Engaging in spiritual practices like prayer, meditation, yoga and gratitude
- Listening to Audible books
- Watching old Saturday night live skits
- Talking to my husband and loved ones about the complex feelings that bubble up
- Making coronavirus care packages for loved ones who are more at risk
- Petting my two beloved cats
Your own life-giving practices will be different than my own. For example, my husband seems to find joy in cooking, cracking jokes, yard-work and spending time with our infant who already seems to be a daddy’s girl! A friend of mine has been spending his time grocery shopping for others as a means to elevate not only his state of mind, but also the spirits of the elderly and high-risk folks he is helping. I think all of us need to spend some time thinking about what we must do to be our best self and also create some space for contemplation about what is potentially keeping us from living life fully. Also, please give yourself permission to experience your feelings and offer yourself grace if your mental state sometimes gets in the way of accomplishing what you would like to do. For example, I’m doing so much better now than I was 10 days ago, but I realize I am still distracted by all that is happening in the world. I would love to sit down and read a book right now, but with all that is going on it is easier for me to listen to a podcast or a book on Audible than it is to actually read. I also find my yoga practice is shorter right now and so I’m offering myself compassion about this too. Yes, this pandemic is scary and it creates some very real feelings inside us all, but let’s also set the intention of finding positive ways to tend to our feelings and take care of ourselves and one another during this challenging time.
Treat yourself and one another with grace during this time,
Christy
This article was originally published by The Lookout Mountain Mirror. www.mountainmirror.com
