The Comparison Trap

Nod your head yes if you have ever lost your own power through your own negative thinking. Perhaps thoughts like, “She is so much more creative than I am” or “I want to be as successful as him,” pervade your mind daily. Just so you know, I am nodding my head too.

In the world of psychology, the field of social comparison theory was created in 1954 by psychologist, Leon Festinger. He argued our tendency to decide how we measure up to others is “connected to the instant judgments we make of other people-a key element of the brain’s social-cognition network that can be traced to the evolutionary need to protect oneself and assess threats.”

One of my friends, Gerald, lives in Greenwich Village in New York City. He has a hip zip code and apartment and more importantly he has the energy, diversity, food and culture of NYC at his fingertips. Every time my husband and I have visited my friend we are wowed by the restaurants, museums, shopping, shows and the buzz of the city. NYC is the city that never stops! Before COVID, Gerald also traveled the world extensively. If you asked him he would minimize his adventures, but he has been to more countries than anyone else I’ve ever known in my life. Gerald, is also extremely intelligent. He has a PhD from Vanderbilt and he is a published author and a gifted communicator of the written and verbal word.

I’ve realized that envy pops up in my life when I start to compare myself to others. And I have definitely felt a feeling of discontent crop up inside of me during moments when I have decided my resume or lifestyle do not compare to a loved ones many accomplishments. My friend, Gerald, is one of my best friends and yet I still sometimes fall into the trap of comparing myself to him.

Sometimes we compare ourselves to others by demeaning ourselves, and sometimes we compare ourselves to others by putting others down. This can manifest through deciding we have a better car, kid, house, resume, job or boyfriend. Whether we compare ourselves positively or negatively to others, the root of these comparisons is shame. Shame is often whispering to us that we are not enough. And so we compare ourselves to either validate our belief that we are not enough, or we project our feelings of inadequacy onto others and make them feel like they are not enough.

Not only do I compare myself to others, but sometimes I compare myself to previous versions of myself. For example, my yoga practice was much stronger before having a baby and the pandemic. Not long before I got pregnant, I was able to do the splits for the first time since I was a young teen. But between the pandemic and being a new mom, I have lost a lot of strength and flexibility. There are poses that were possible for me to do before having a baby, like the splits, that I can no longer do. If I am not careful, when I am practicing yoga I can start to let my inner critic take charge and be very hard on myself. And as many yoga teachers say, “What we practice on the mat, is often what we practice off the mat.” So as I start to be more gentle and gracious with myself on my yoga mat, this translates to how I live off my yoga mat.

Whether we are comparing ourselves to others or our past self, it can rob us of the present moment, life and joy. I’ve found several pathways out of the comparison trap that I would love to share with you.

Engage in Gratitude

One way I have learned to navigate myself out of comparison is the other side of envy, gratitude. Gratitude invites me to feel and acknowledge the many gifts I have in my life and convinces me that I am enough, I have enough and my loved ones are enough. Gratitude is a virtue I try to practice daily and it keeps me from comparing myself with others as often because it invites me to ponder what I do have and what I can do, instead of the reverse. We can practice gratitude through prayer, meditation or a gratitude journal. How can you recommit to the practice of gratitude?

Limit Social Media

One of the best decisions I probably ever made was not to join Facebook. I know if I was on Facebook, I would probably struggle even more with self-comparison. Friends of mine who are on Facebook have been vulnerable with me about how social media causes them to compare their jobs, vacations, marriages and bodies to others. Why not do yourself a favor and set some healthy limits with social media? I bet you will feel better about your life if you create some healthy boundaries with your time online. Are there new limits you need to set with social media?

Practice Mindfulness

Once we are self-aware about our tendency to compare ourselves to others, we can begin the life-long work of combating this tendency to be envious or competitive with others through mindfulness. When we acknowledge our shadow side, it becomes easier to catch ourselves comparing ourselves either positively or negatively to someone else. When we catch ourselves falling prey to the deadly sin of comparison, mindfulness can help us to reframe our negative thoughts. How can mindfulness help you be more intentional to stay out of the comparison trap?

Find a Mantra

When we repeat a mantra out loud or silently in our own heart, it can guide us to change our frame of mind. When I start to get caught in the comparison trap, I often conjure up Theodore Roosevelt’s words, “Comparison is the thief of all joy.” These words have become a mantra for me that can pull me out of envy. Your mantra might be, “I am grateful for who I am and who I am becoming.” You also can pair your mantra will the breath and repeat it several times, such as “I am (inhale) enough (exhale).” What mantra might free you from comparison? Be creative in your search for a personal mantra and I encourage you to practice it today.

Let’s disentangle ourselves from the comparison trap,

Christy

A version of this article was originally published in the Lookout Mountain Mirror. www.mountainmirror.com