The Four Gates of Speech
My tongue has no bones in it to break and is so small, and yet my use of this tiny instrument can shatter other people’s heart and affect them in big ways. As a child I learned the rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But this message I learned as child is wrong, and the truth is words do wound us. With my tongue I have hurt others and this tiny organ has also been used by others to hurt me.
Often I fall into the pattern of talking about other people negatively because I am uncomfortable talking about myself. My own shame and fear of vulnerability can lead me to shame others. Or sometimes my own discontent with my own life leads me to project this onto others by putting someone else down. While venting about someone has a place at times, I’m learning to listen to a still small voice inside of me that doesn’t feel good when I talk negatively about others. I’m also aware that talking about other people’s brokenness is a dangerous pathway away from exploring my growing edges and incompleteness. And if I’m honest, after I have a vent session about someone else, I usually don’t feel better for doing it. It takes me away from the inner work I need to be doing.
I’ve always loved Ecclesiastes exhortation that there is a time to be silent and a time to speak. Although there are certainly times people need to be silent, there are many people who don’t speak up enough. In your own day to day life, do you speak too much or too little? Some of you may need to work more on being silent or letting things go, while others need to work on speaking up and being assertive.
Several years ago I attended a great workshop at Yoga Landing and during the class I learned The Four Gates of Speech. This framework has been attributed to the poet Rumi, but it might be more accurate to ascribe it to the Sufi-mystic tradition, which Rumi descended from. These four simple questions have served as a tool of discernment to help me process whether I need to speak up and if so how I want to communicate to others. I encourage you to keep to these 4 questions as a tool in your handbag, especially the next time you are tempted gossip or to email a hot-tempered response to a colleague or loved one.
1st Gate: Is it true? This is the first and most important question. Am I speaking truth? If I take a step back from what happened does it continue to be true. Is there another way of viewing what happened?
2nd Gate. Is it necessary? Even if it is true, is it necessary or beneficial for it to be expressed at all? What good might come out of me speaking up?
3rd Gate Is it kind? If I do speak, how do I say what needs to be said in a way that is compassionate? It is important to be mindful that not just what you say, but your body language, the tone of your voice and the use of eye contact can impact how what you say is received.
4th Gate. Is it the right time? When is the right time to speak up? If I am speaking up from a place of hurt or anger, it is often important to pause and give the other person space and then reach out to them either in person or on the phone.
I’m learning that even if what I need to say is true and necessary, it is really important to make sure I am saying it kindly and at the right time. Many years ago a friend asked me a serious question at a rehearsal dinner for a mutual friend’s wedding. I responded by telling her candidly that I would give her question some thought, but I didn’t think I would be able to meet her request. The look on her face expressed this was not the answer she wanted to hear and the rest of the wedding weekend the tension between us was palpable. In retrospect, we were at a celebratory event and this was not the appropriate time for me to address her question. As I look back at my younger self, I wish I had known the 4 gates of speech because this spiritual framework would have advised me to simply tell my friend, “Let me think about this and get back to you.” Even though my answer was true and necessary, if I had paused and waited to answer her at a later time my response would likely have been more compassionate, better articulated and shared at a more suitable time.
The Four Gates of Speech remind me that I need to be the gatekeeper of the words I speak. I can use my tongue to lift up others or to tear them down. My words have the power to heal or to hurt others. Before you speak, allow your words to pass through each of the 4 gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Is it the right time? May you be the gatekeeper of the words you speak.
