10 Tips for Healthy Grieving

One of the hardest parts of the pandemic for me, was in March of 2020 when my father’s nursing home shutdown. I had not seen my dad as much leading up to the pandemic because of my daughter Isabelle’s recent birth and two other deaths in the family. I had already been experiencing some guilt that I wasn’t getting to see my dad as often and then bam, the nursing home closed in early March and allowed zero visitors. I understood why we couldn’t visit him for both his sake and our own, but it was extremely painful. And then on December 23 my dad’s nursing home called to say my dad was positive with COVID-19, but that he seemed to be asymptomatic. I breathed a sigh of relief, but was still very worried.

The next day on Christmas Eve the nursing home called and said things had changed. My dad was struggling to breathe and so they were giving him oxygen. I asked if there was any way we could visit and they said no, but then his status worsened later in the day on Christmas Eve. That afternoon, I spoke to the nursing home administrator and we were given permission to visit my dad at his window. We had to wear masks as we stood outside the COVID-19 unit of my dad’s nursing home. And so my husband, daughter, mom, one of my brothers and his wife and kids met at the window late in the evening on Christmas Eve. We weren’t close enough to touch him, but our proximity was near enough that he could probably hear us, even though he was not responsive.

We sang Silent Night and other Christmas hymns through tears, read Scripture, prayed, told him how sorry we were for not being able to visit him during the pandemic, said I love you many times and shared special memories. My brother and other family members who were out of state joined us on zoom. My love language is touch and so I think it was particularly tough for me that I could not say goodbye to my dad by holding his hand as he took his last breaths. My dad died about 30 hours following our window visit. It was not the way we wanted to say goodbye, but it was the reality many families experienced or were not even afforded during this pandemic.  

In memory and honor of my dad, I’d like to offer 10 tips on grieving I’ve learned from experiencing his death, but also tools I’ve acquired from my previous role as a hospice chaplain. In this job as a chaplain, I offered bereavement counseling to clients who were anticipating the death of a loved one or grieving the death of a loved one.

Tip # 1: Talk About the Grief

Shakespeare said, “Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the distraught heart and bids it break. You can either internalize grief or you can find healthy spaces to get it out of your body. Remember to reach out to God, a therapist, a support group, a friend, a clergy person or a family member and talk to them about your grief. As you give your sorrow words, please also share special memories of the person in your life who has died. In my work with grieving clients, I often invite them to trace their hand and put a positive or negative quality of their loved one on each finger on the hand. I then invite them to share these qualities with me to help them get more comfortable speaking about their deceased loved one. Perhaps you could try this!

Tip #2: Utilize Rituals

Memorial services, funerals, planting a tree in honor of the deceased and other traditions will help you find healing when a loved one dies. Speaking the eulogy at my dad’s memorial service and sprinkling some of his ashes at his parents grave were cathartic rituals for me since the death of my father. Bringing flowers to a loved ones grave regularly can also provide a release. But feel free to create your own ritual to remember your loved ones.  

Tip #3: Move it Out of the Body

Gentle embodied practices such as dance, massage, yoga or walking are important ways to move grief out of our body. As yoga teachers often say, “Our issues are in our tissues.” You store grief inside the body and you can not only talk out your grief, but you can release your feelings through movement. What can you do to move grief out of your body?  

Tip #4: Make Space for Your Grief

If you tend to be a person who lives a very scheduled life with a running things to do list, you are likely the type of person who is not making enough space to feel your grief and pain. Can you take a mental health day off at work from time to time and allow yourself to give yourself permission to attend to your feelings and grief? I promise this will be hard, but it also will be helpful.

Tip #5: Grief is Not Exclusively the Death of a Loved One

The death of a loved one or pet can be one of the most intense types of grief, but any loss can cause grief including: COVID-19, divorce, the loss of your own health or a loved one’s health, losing a job, a miscarriage, retirement, the loss of a friendship and the list goes on…Whatever your loss, it’s personal to you and so allow yourself to feel your losses and pain.

Tip #6 Find Creative Ways to Preserve Memories   

One of the best grief therapists I have come across is Susan Latta, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Chattanooga. I fondly remember making a joint grief visit with Susan Latta for 4 children whose youngest sibling had died. I sat with her and the grieving children on the floor and we helped the four young kids make memory pillows. They used paint pens to decorate the pillows with all sorts of memories of their loved ones, so that when they went to bed at night they could remember their brother who had died. You might make a Christmas ornament, write a song, create a photo album or find another creative outlet in memory of your loved one, but I know from my own personal experience that being creative is an important pathway to healing your grief.  

Tip #7: It is Normal to Ask the Question, Why?

I worked for 13 years with children who were dying on hospice. Obviously this led me to spend a considerable amount of time ruminating on why God might intervene and heal some children, but not do this for others. Since most people in this world do believe in God or a higher power, I think it is important to wrestle with why bad things happen. People of faith need permission to ask the question, “Why?” They have often been told by well-meaning friends that they are not to question God, and yet Jesus and Job cried out this question in the midst of their despair. If you feel guilty for asking this question, please know that it is human to both ask and feel this existential question when you are confronted by tragedy. If you are a person of faith, perhaps it helps to remember that when Jesus was on the cross, he too said, “My God, My God why have you forsaken me?”   

Tip #8: Read Books About Grief

I remember a very painful break-up with an ex-boyfriend that left me crying for a month straight. During this time I read, C.S. Lewis’ book, “A Grief Observed,” about the death of his wife. Even though my boyfriend had not died, his absence felt like a death and hearing C.S. Lewis’ observations about his own grief, due to his wife’s death from cancer, helped me to not feel so alone in my own grief. So if you are in a season a grief, get on Amazon and go order a book on grief!  

Tip #9 Your Feelings Are Healthy & Worthy of Exploration

The grief experience invokes denial, fear, sadness, anger, bargaining, guilt and many other feelings. In my previous work as a chaplain and current work as a therapist, I have heard so many people apologize for their tears, anger and guilt. But the truth is that you need to feel in order to heal, and all of these feelings are healthy and worthy of exploration. When you push down these feelings or run from them, they will likely surface as physical or emotional illnesses.  

Tip #10 Don’t Minimize Grief Through the Grief-Comparison Game

All of us have unique grief experiences and varied ways of grieving, but one thing to be cautious of is playing the grief-comparison game. You might do this by belittling another person’s grief by saying, “I don’t understand why she goes on and on about losing her job. It was just a job. At least she has her health.” Or you might minimize your own grief by saying, “Gosh, her child died of cancer. I don’t need to feel so sad about my dog’s death.” There is a danger of placing losses on a grief hierarchy, because it pressures you or others to disown grief. I believe the hallmark of a healthy society is when humankind allow themselves to experience the joy and grief of life.     

May we nurture our grief in a multitude of ways,

Christy

This article was originally published in the Lookout Mountain Mirror. http://www.mountainmirror.com