Moving Towards Forgiveness

I once attended a seminar entitled, Emotional Intelligence. The facilitator of this seminar stressed that emotionally intelligent people are those who listen to one another when conflict arises. They shared that if you disagree with someone you should be able to listen to them so well that you can argue their perspective better than they can. And often when you take the time to deeply listen to someone who thinks differently than you, you begin to understand their perspective.

In addition to listening skills, emotionally intelligent people also have empathy. Empathy is the ability to wonder what it must be like to be in another person’s shoes. Ian Maclaren said, “Be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle of some kind.” Empathy is the ability to respond to people in kindness even when they are ugly to you, because you know that if they have been unkind to you they are probably acting out of their pain. Empathy also is the gift of seeing someone as a whole person who has both strengths and weaknesses. People who are lacking in emotional intelligence usually vilify the person or group they are at odds with, instead of taking the time to look for the gifts and graces they have within them.

Another hallmark of emotionally intelligent people is the practice of forgiveness. In my own life, empathy is a virtue that has helped me to forgive. For example, during my childhood my parents were loving parents, but like all parents (myself included) they made mistakes. One way I have been able to forgive them for their mistakes is to practice empathy. For example, I imagine how hard it must have been for my dad to experience the death of his own father, who died of cancer, when my dad was a young teen. Likewise, it must have been painful for my mom to have her father abandon her family because of a gambling addiction when she was just 3 years old. Both of my parents went through a portion of their childhood with just one parent, and the remaining parent raising them must have been emotionally absent at times because of their own grief. Like all people, my parents carried this childhood trauma inside of them, and it informed the way they parented me.

Psychologically, research validates that when you forgive others, you will be at a lower risk for stress, depression, anxiety and anger. Those who choose to forgive often have more satisfying relationships with friends, children and partner. Physiologically, studies have found that forgiveness can be life-sustaining for your health, by lowering the risk of heart attack, improving cholesterol levels, enhancing sleep and reducing pain.

Forgiveness does not mean you become friends with the person who hurt you. Forgiveness is not a validation that what happened was acceptable. Forgiveness is not saying the person who wronged you does not need to be held accountable. Instead, forgiveness means accepting what happened and letting go of the anger or even a portion of it. Forgiveness sometimes means you love others from a distance. Forgiveness involves living in the present moment, instead of living in the past. Forgiveness is does not mean you forget what happened, otherwise you may let history repeat itself.

I believe forgiveness is something you do more for yourself, than the person who hurt you. Jack Kornfield tells the story of two ex-prisoners of war who meet after many years of being released as prisoners of war. When the first one asks, “Have you forgiven your captors yet?” the second man replies, “No, never.” “Well then,” the first man answers, “they still have you in prison.”

Sometimes clients tell me that they find forgiving others to be much easier than self-forgiveness. The process of self-forgiveness can involve owning up to your mistakes, processing what happened, setting intentions to avoid making the mistake again, apologizing to anyone you may have wronged and then giving yourself an abundance of grace.

Whether you are practicing self-forgiveness or forgiving someone else, letter writing can be an important tool in the forgiveness process. I have written letters to people I am trying to forgive. I have not sent the letter to my offender, but the act of writing the letter has provided a cathartic release.

In his short story, The Capital of the World, Ernest Hemingway tells the story of a Spanish Father and his teenage son, Paco. Paco ran away from home and his father began a long and arduous search for his son. After coming up empty handed, Paco’s father placed an ad in the Madrid newspaper.

Dear Paco,

Please meet me in front of the newspaper office at noon. All is forgiven.

Love,

Father

Hemingway goes on in his story to say that the next day at noon, there were 800 Pacos, at the newspaper office, all searching for forgiveness. I love this story because it is a reminder of humanity’s universal need for forgiveness.

I invite you to think about forgiveness and how you can more readily practice this. Who can you forgive? Maybe the person you need to forgive is yourself. Or maybe there is a Paco in your life that you need to forgive? Do you feel resentful toward a parent, neighbor, friend, sibling, colleague, partner or a child? Perhaps if you empathize more, listen deeply and pray for this person the relationship can be restored. But it is important to remember that forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. Reconciliation involves two parties willing to listen and empathize with one another. But even if reconciliation is not possible, you can still do your part.You can give up the gossip, self-righteousness, criticism, and anger. And in time, maybe you can even forgive. 

I know first hand these things are not easy. I also know in these polarized times, forgiveness is a healing balm this world needs. It is so important to struggle through conflict and do the hard work of forgiving, listening, and empathizing in order to find as much peace as possible in our relationships with family members, friends, colleagues and neighbors.

One more key to the art of forgiveness is being mindful that it is a process. It is not always a one time and done event. It can take time. I remember feeling like I had completely forgiven my dad for his alcoholism as a teenager, and then realizing much later in my life that were other layers of forgiveness for my dad that needed to happen. You don’t have to forgive someone immediately after you have been wronged. There is a time to feel the betrayal, anger and hurt. And sometimes someone’s crime is so egregious that you don’t feel able to forgive, and if this is the case, please be patient with yourself and allow yourself to experience your grief and anger. You can only heal what you allow yourself to feel. But if you ever feel stuck in your anger, I encourage you to seek out a therapist, spiritual director or clergy member to help you process your feelings.

Often when clients are having trouble with forgiveness, I encourage them to try a loving-kindness meditation. There are many versions of this meditation. Over 10 years ago, an instructor at Clear Springs Yoga, which is now closed, guided me through a version of this meditation and I remember feeling a sense of oneness with God, myself and the world. When I practice the loving-kindness meditation, it is impossible to feel hate and each time I practice it, the meditation moves me towards the act of forgiving those who have hurt me. I invite you to practice the following loving-kindness meditation:

Begin by breathing gently in through your nose and out through your mouth and then say to yourself:

May I be filled with loving–kindness. May I be safe. May I be well in mind, body and spirit. May I be happy. Repeat these phrases as many times as needed.

Next imagine a friend who you love that needs support right now in their life. Imagine this person in your mind eye and then say:

May you be filled with loving-kindness. May you be safe. May you be well in mind, body and spirit. May you be happy.

Finally, conjure up the image of someone you are angry at, whom you may want to forgive and then if you can, say to them:

May you be filled with loving-kindness. May you be safe. May you be well in mind, body and spirit. May you be happy.

May you be filled with loving-kindness,

Christy

A version of this article was originally published by http://www.mountainmirror.com