Life Is Found As We Surrender Our Expectations
When I was 15 years old, I felt a call to ministry. I didn’t know where that call would take me, but fast forward 28 years and I have served as a youth minister, minister, chaplain and now as a psychotherapist who isn’t afraid to discuss spiritual matters. And I can genuinely say that I have loved every position I have had during my career. However, a call to ministry at such a young age, did leave me feeling like a fish in a fishbowl. In order to prove that I was worthy of my call, there was a deep need in me to be who I perceived others needed me to be. Back then, I was a buttoned up version of myself who used the word should far too often and and sought to be good.
By the time I went to college and later seminary, I learned to let down my hair a little bit and have some fun, but I was still a rule follower in many ways. One example of my rule following is that I have never touched drugs, even though I was around them quite often during my college days. The reason I was so disciplined was because I did not want to compromise my call to ministry. And while this disciplined nature is a positive attribute, I can look back and feel some sadness that my desire to do what I thought was right, often was connected to my desire to meet the expectations of other people.
I am embarrassed to admit that I wrote a judgemental letter to a close friend during college about her decision to smoke pot. I actually stopped speaking to her for several days because we had pledged that we would not do any drugs, and when she changed her mind I was furious. My high standards for myself, led me to have standards for my friend that were unfair. Thankfully, she forgave me and we continue to be friends.
I don’t regret my decision not to do drugs, but there were so many ways my high expectations of myself and others got in the way of life. For example, when I was in college I had a boyfriend who took me to a rave. If you haven’t heard of a rave it is a dance party at a club, warehouse or venue that has DJs playing electronic dance music. When I went to the rave, instead of allowing myself to have fun and experience something new and different, I arbitrarily decided the electronic music was weird and spent most of the night as a wallflower resenting my college boyfriend as he danced with freedom and life on the floor. This former boyfriend was a very good dancer and instead of allowing him to teach me some of his dance moves, I judged him for his style of music and dancing. And looking back, I don’t even think I was conscious at the time that I was being judgemental, but I was. I suspect I was jealous of the way he confidently moved in his body, while I was so disembodied and could have benefited from being more like him. When he was on the dance floor he swayed without worrying about what other people thought of him. He was free and alive. But my own shame that I wasn’t a good dancer and my worry about the expectations of others, kept me from spending much time on the dance floor.
Fast forward 20+ years later and imagine me on the small outdoor patio at the Clumpies Ice Cream parlor in St. Elmo. This is something I would not have done in my younger years, because I would have been to worried about being judged. As the music played on the patio, my 2 year old daughter, 11 year old niece and I danced and sang with joy. As the three of us moved to the beats, I didn’t have the embarrassment I had in my 20s. At this season in my life, I am diligently trying to not to judge myself or others and to let go of the expectations of others. What I am learning is that when I critique myself or others, I do not experience abundant life.
I write often about being kinder towards yourself and others. And even when it feels like my words are redundant, the call to explore this subject feels just as important now, as my call to ministry felt when I was 15 years old. To me the world feels more judgemental and divided than it ever has, especially regarding politics. Just this week I was speaking to someone and told him about sitting at a coffee shop at the table directly next to a famous male politician. My acquaintance asked me, “Was he arrogant?” Because this individual’s politics were the opposite of the politician, the assumption was that the politician was arrogant. This is a dangerous place to be as a country when people are characterized as arrogant or bad because their profession, politics or religion are different than your own.
I love Brenee Brown’s words, “People are hard to hate close-up. Move in closer.” I know first hand from my own life, that it is often easier to engage in dualistic thinking and judge people as good or bad. The more difficult pathway is to move in closer to look at our own shadow side and strengths and to also see both the gifts and growing edges of people we want to reject. Who do you need to move in closer to offer less judgement and more grace to? It might be yourself, your body, a loved one, a colleague, a politician and the list goes on. When your thoughts, hearts and bodies become more compassionate, more grace will abound in the world and you will inevitably experience greater joy and freedom in life. And pretty soon, you might find yourself dancing on the patio at Clumpies too!
