The Power of Empathetic Imagination

I recently went to a swim match in North Georgia to support my 12 year old niece, who was competing in the meet. In between two of my niece’s matches, my brother and I walked my 3 year old daughter to the park so she could play. After we had been at the park about 20 minutes my sister-in-law called to let my brother know the swim meet was ahead of schedule and therefore my niece would be swimming again shortly. It was a hot July day and as we rushed back to the pool in hopes of catching her next race, it started to rain. It was one of those unique summer rains where the sun shined brightly in the midst of the downpour.

When we arrived to the pool another match was going on. Due to rushing back, the rain, the intensity of the sun and heat, and the fact I was holding my 35 pound daughter I did not notice a woman filming the race on her phone. As I held my daughter, Isabelle, I crossed in front of this woman to sit down on the bleachers. Immediately this woman who was videotaping the swim meet yelled in my direction, “Can’t you see I am trying to record a video. You are so rude.” I sat down quietly in a state of shock, feeling both remorseful and embarrassed. If I had the advantage of a hat to hide my face I would have covered my face. Instead, I just lowered my sun-glasses over my eyes and watched my niece compete in the next race.

When I have an encounter with someone that is upsetting, I try to look at what I need to own as my part and what might be their part in a given situation. Usually both parties have a role in a difficult circumstance, although there are exceptions when only one person is responsible. In addition to looking at my role in a tense situation, I also attempt to understand the other party’s point of view by empathetically imagining why they are upset at me. Additionally, I look for the redeeming qualities in the person who has hurt me. And I strive to assess how I also struggle with the shadow side that I have identified in the person who has offended me.

In an ideal world, I truly wish I had noticed the woman filming this race. If I had seen her making a video I would have waited until she finished filming to take my seat. She was an older woman who I do not know, but I tried to imagine her story and decided she was likely the grandparent of a young swimmer competing at the meet. I wondered if like other devoted grandparents she might have traveled several hours to be there for the swim meet to watch her grandson. This experience at the swim meet also reminded me I need to keep setting the intention to work on my spatial awareness. I am spatially challenged and I am that person who will clumsily run into someone and not pay enough attention to the surrounding area. On the Myers Briggs I score high as an N. The N is the intuitive type who sees the big picture. I score low as an S, which is the sensing or observing type who pays attention to their sensory experience and to details.

In reflecting on this experience at my niece’s swim meet, I am aware of my frustration at the woman who responded so strongly to me. We live in a world where people are so prone to overreact and mischaracterize one another. What if instead of labeling me as rude, the woman filming the race, had taken a moment to breathe and empathize with me about how hard the toddler years can be or noticed that I was wet from both rain and sweat and out of breath from holding my young daughter. Or maybe she might have considered that some people just aren’t as spatially aware as others and chuckled to herself at my faux pas.
In this world where we are quick to view one another dualistically as good or bad, right or wrong, or rude or kind, I want to keep setting the intention to make space for empathetic imagination to help me to look beyond my initial inner reaction to others, so I can strive to respond with grace.

I also want to be careful not to suggest that the woman filming her grandchild is the villain in this situation. Both of us were there that day to show up for and cheer on our respective loved ones. I imagine she is probably a good soul who loves her grandchild just as fiercely as I love my niece.
On the other hand, my encounter at this swim meet is a reminder to be careful to not demonize one another and react so intensely. I believe a natural consequence of empathetic imagination is a gentler response to those who irritate us.

I do want to be intentional to be more spatially aware, but I want to be even more cognizant to practice empathetic imagination. When you use your heart and mind to imagine with compassion and empathy why another person may act or believe a certain way, you move towards grace and non-dualistic thinking.

This polarized world needs people who will commit to empathetic imagination, non-dualistic thinking, and the ability to search for our responsibility in a tense circumstance.
Maybe you are not the type to react negatively towards a stranger, like the lady at the swim meet responded towards me. If you are cool as a cucumber towards strangers, you might want to assess whether you are reactive towards immediate family, extended family, colleagues, neighbors, children, a partner, or friend.

I know the person I need to exercise empathetic imagination more with is my husband. So I can relate to the woman who raised her voice at me at the swim meet, because I too can overreact, even though I tend to lose my patience with those I love the most, instead of strangers. But my intention is to keep recommitting to grace. I find grace for others when I pause, breathe, practice empathetic imagination, avoid dualistic thinking, own my part in a tough situation, remember I am just as human as my offender, and when I identify the positive characteristics in the person who hurt me.

And grace is also something I extend to myself when I fall short. Who do you need to practice empathetic imagination with today? Grace and empathy are the pathway forward to heal both yourself and this broken world.

-A version of this article was originally published in The Lookout Mountain Mirror. www.mountainmirror.com