Finding Freedom From Shame
Many years ago I attended a continuing education conference led by Deborah Grassman. Deborah has worked as a nurse practitioner in the VA system for over 30 years. During the conference she told the attendees the story of a Vietnam Veteran who had liver cancer and his treatment and medications seemed to be making his PTSD worse. Deborah asked the Veteran if there was anything from the Vietnam war that was still troubling him. He told his VA medical team that he went to a village and they had killed all of the adults and he feared all the children had starved to death. This patient had also killed an unarmed enemy combatant and only realized he was unarmed after the man had died. This man’s actions in war left him racked with guilt and shame and the feeling he was not enough or worthy of love and forgiveness.
The Veterans staff designed a ritual in the Chapel for this patient. The patient was Catholic and so he had confession with a priest and while he was in the confession his entire VA hospice team kneeled in prayer for him. The patient’s sister never knew the patient was still troubled by experiences in Vietnam. After this ritual in the Chapel the patient thanked the team for “healing his heart.” He told the VA hospice team he started to sleep so well after this ritual he “felt like a virgin” He told his team, “I feel so pure.” The ritual had lightened his load and this dying man’s shame and guilt had greatly decreased.
When I was a chaplain, I worked with a Vietnam Veteran who told me the shame he carried from passing by crying Vietnamese babies who were alone on the side of the road, whose parents were likely dead. He and his fellow soldiers were instructed by their superior not to rescue the babies, because their cries could later make them targets for the enemy combatants. This Veteran experienced guilt regarding leaving the babies behind, but he also shared deep feelings of survivors guilt related to fellow combat soldiers who had died in war. Why had they died and why had he lived? This soldier said his feelings of inadequacy intensified when he came back home to States and encountered war protesters who called him vile names and threw objects at him. This veteran had stage 4 cancer and also struggled with PTSD and substance abuse.
In my time working with this veteran I offered prayers, a gentle presence, empathy, kindness, and listening ear and the Veteran responded by connecting in deeper ways to God, his loved ones, and life. I also saw him start to have a more positive view of himself. It is my belief when you have unconditional positive regard for others and see their inherent goodness, it becomes easier for someone to see themselves in a positive light. Likewise, when you empathize with others about what they have experienced, they offer more empathy towards themselves.
You don’t have to have been a soldier in a war to internalize the message that you are bad or that you don’t measure up. You might feel shame about your parenting, your body, your family of origin, your economic or educational background, or your performance at work.
Shame is often the voice in your head that leads you to believe you are not enough.
I am currently expecting a baby boy who is due on April 30. About a week ago, I was shopping for clothes for our baby on the way with my four year old daughter Isabelle. As we shopped, I could see that Isabelle was tired. Before our shopping excursion we had been to the YMCA and a church Easter egg hunt. Because of the Easter egg hunt Isabelle was hyped up on candy and on the verge of melt down. She started to whine and was trying to get out of the shopping cart. I negotiated with her and talked her into staying in the shopping cart.
A moment after I somehow managed to keep Isabelle in the shopping cart, a woman came up to me and shared she has been a teacher for many years and she was impressed with my parenting skills and how calmly I responded to my daughter in her moment of distress. I thanked her and told her we often remember the times we fall short as a parent and so it meant a great deal to be affirmed for this parenting moment, especially since I had not even noticed it as a moment of success. I also was aware that after her words of affirmation, I kept being intentional the rest of the afternoon to be present and calm in my responses to my daughter. The truth is there are moments where I have shame as a parent and wonder whether I am enough as a mom. This woman’s words of commendation were a gift and a reminder of the power of affirmation to heal shame.
If you also struggle with shame or the feeling you are flawed in some way, my hope for you is that you can find affirmation from yourself, a ritual, a clergy person, a therapist, a friend, a stranger or the Divine to remind you that you are indeed enough, forgiven, loved, and worthy.
A version of this article was published in The Lookout Mountain Mirror. http://www.Mountainmirror.com
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