Four Phrases That Can Change The World & Your World

When I worked as a hospice chaplain, I attended a continuing education event led by the famous palliative care doctor, Dr. Ira Byock. He encouraged hospice professionals to use four simple phrases with our hospice patients. He invited us to share with our clients the power and importance of these four phrases: “Please forgive me,” “I forgive you,” “Thank you,” and “I love you.”  

In my work as a hospice chaplain, I would often invite my patients and their family members to say these words to one another, but I have realized these four words are not just important to say to people who are dying, but in fact they are words we need to practice saying and living in the rhythm of our everyday lives.

Please Forgive Me

I once had a hospice patient who served during the Vietnam war, who was dying of cancer and was disconnected from all 5 of his children. I visited this patient more than 10 times, and in the course of our visits he talked to me about the trauma he experienced in the war, which subsequently led to addiction, anger issues, PTSD, divorce, loneliness, mental illness, and other issues that he believed were all rooted in his experiences in Vietnam.

During one of our visits, I asked him if he would like to write a letter to each of his 5 children asking for forgiveness for specific ways he had let each one of them down. To my surprise he decided to send each of his children a letter expressing his need for forgiveness. It was many years ago that I transcribed the letters for this dying Vet and so I can’t remember precisely what he said to each of his children, but I do know the letters led to reconciliation with at least one of his daughters. Perhaps more importantly, these letters led him to have a greater sense of peace and freedom before his death.

I Forgive You

A little over 30 years ago, apartheid came to an end in South Africa. The word apartheid means ‘apartness’. Apartheid was a system keeping white people in South Africa separate from those who were not white. Remarkably, apartheid’s end was not followed by vengeance towards those who were responsible for the racial disparities. The late Archbishop Desmond Tutu was among the black leaders who opted for reconciliation with the supporters of apartheid, instead of pursuing retribution.

Desmond Tutu grew up during the reign of apartheid. When he was a young boy and was out walking with his mother, he was surprised when a white priest, took off his hat as a sign of respect to his mother, who was a  black woman. That sign of love gave Desmond a glimpse of what a world without apartheid could look like.

I also think it is important to say that forgiveness does not always necessitate the reconciliation that Tutu advocated for. Obviously, it is wonderful when reconciliation is possible, but sometimes when emotional, physical, or sexual abuse has happened reconciliation may not be the best option.

Desmond Tutu argued that we practice forgiveness, because we are all flawed and in need of grace. In my own life, I seek to practice forgiveness because it is a practice that releases the anger and weight I am holding in my body. As Lewis Smedes said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

Thank You

I once had a hospice client who was always so appreciative of my pastoral care visits to his home. This client was a man in his 90s and he always would profusely thank me for stopping by. This sweet dying man was not only thankful to me, but he also was very grateful for the life he had with his wife who had died many years before I met him.

During one of my visits with this patient, he asked me to look through a big box of old pictures with him and we went through every picture together. Many of the pictures were from his wedding and honeymoon. We also looked at his wedding invitation, wedding announcements, and other wedding mementos. As he looked at pictures of his wife, I could see the reverence and respect he had for her. He reminisced about being a newlywed and what a special time this was in his life. My patient was emotional as he spoke about his gratitude for the life he had with his other half. As I look back on my visit with this gentleman, who I believe is now reunited in heaven with his beloved wife, it occurs to me that this man made an impact in my life because his gratitude to me for my visits was life-affirming, but also because he was able to express thanks in so many ways for the gift of his wife and life.

In my own marriage, I have noticed the power saying thank you has in our relationship. I feel seen and valued when my husband thanks me for something I have done. I believe gratitude is a practice that could put couple therapists out of a job. If we all could thank our spouses, friends, family members, and colleagues daily, just imagine how all these thank yous would change the landscape of our lives and the world we live in.

I Love You

As a chaplain and therapist, I have worked with many clients who have shared the pain of a parent or loved one who never uttered the words, “I love you.” Children who never hear these words can have trouble with forming healthy attachments and they usually struggle with self-esteem issues. On the other hand, when we hear the words, “I love you,” we feel like we matter and this feeling of being seen and loved makes it easier to love and trust our friends, family, partner, and coworkers.

I believe it is important to remember that there are a multitude of ways we can say the words, “I love you.” I had a friend in college who often told me, “I’m proud of you.” Because my friend said these words with sincerity, these words always meant so much to me and my friend’s words still linger in my heart today.

Gary Chapman’s argument for five love languages reminds us we don’t only say I love you through words of affirmation, but we also express love through touch, quality time, actions, and gifts. It is important to learn how we prefer to give and receive love and also how the people in our lives need to be loved, so we can offer love in a variety of ways.

These 4 simple phrases have the power to change us, the people in our lives, and the world. I implore you to etch these words in your heart, speak these phrases out loud, and live them through your actions.

Please forgive me

I forgive you

Thank you

I love you

A version of this article was originally published by The Lookout Mountain Mirror.