Matraesence And Patraesence: Navigating Seasons of Transition

We often talk about the empty nest and the ways this season affects parents emotionally. But like the empty nest, the moment you become a parent is a significant change and milestone.

If you are a mother or father, you likely experienced a gigantic change in your life when your baby was born. I’m not strictly talking about hormonal shifts, brain fog, or sleepless nights, but I am also talking about the feelings of anxiety, isolation, resentment, sadness, perfectionism, shame, and other emotions that arise as you navigate a whole new role and identity. The responsibility of caring for the needs of a baby can feel all-consuming.

There is actually a word to describe the changes that happen to new parents. The word for mothers is matrescence and the term for fathers is patraescence. Matresence and patraesence are names used to describe the physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological changes that occur in the postpartum period. Having the weight of being responsible for a little human changes your internal and external homeostasis and provokes so many feelings.

In her book, Matrescence, Lucy Jones states, “I thought early motherhood would be gentle, beatific, pacific, tranquil, bathed in a soft light. But actually it was hard-core, edgy, and gnarly” (p. 14). The statistics show that the majority of new mothers feel anxious during postpartum and 35 percent of women report they are depressed. Fathers and siblings also experience anxiety and depression during this time of transition.

In my own life, becoming a first time and second time mom were a big change for me. Even though my husband and I love being parents to our two beautiful kids, having our first child was much harder than we expected and we also underestimated how difficult having two would be. It not only was a change for us, but we also witnessed our daughter navigate positive and negative feelings about becoming a big sister. I experienced postpartum anxiety after both of my children were born, but in addition to the worry, I also had feelings of isolation, guilt, loneliness, resentment, and perfectionism.

I can remember sleeping horribly the night before father’s day, when my son was 7 weeks old. I woke up beyond exhausted and asked my husband for some space to sleep. My husband watched the kids for several hours on Father’s Day while I slept. But it was really hard for me to let my husband help me, especially when it was Father’s Day. I felt guilty asking for his help on Father’s Day and I also felt guilty about all the laundry that was piling up. At 7 weeks post partum my low estrogen levels caused a lot of anxiety and perfectionism. I had to constantly set the intention to give myself grace and embrace imperfection. And now my little guy is 7 months old and I am feeling emotionally stronger, but I still struggle with receiving help, perfectionism, anxiety, and mom guilt. I never get everything done on my Google calendar for the day, but motherhood is perpetually teaching me to keep embracing imperfection and so everyday I move something that is undone on the calendar to the next day.

In South Korea 75 percent of postpartum women choose to attend an after birth retreat called a “sanhujoriwon,” where new mothers stay for up to 21 days to rest and recover. This spa like retreat often includes amenities like massage, facials, lactation support, childcare classes, medical support, nutritious meals delivered 3 times a day, and 24/7 nursing care for the infants so moms can sleep and rest. The intention of this postpartum retreat is a place for mothers to prioritize their physical and mental well-being after childbirth. 

I imagine many people are feeling jealousy reading about the South Korean postpartum spa. It sounds like heaven. Sadly, many hospitals in the States no longer offer nursery care for the infant. I remember wishing this had been available, so I could have slept for just a few hours after a difficult childbirth. I think we underestimate how much help and support parents need after the birth of a child.

While my husband and I may not have had a spa, I am grateful for some special neighbors, friends, and family members who offered support during my pregnancy and after the birth of our children. I also am thankful that my husband works for a company who has great paternity leave. I have had friends who worked for companies without paternity leave and my husband’s ability to take off work and help me following the birth of both of our children was supportive spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Someone recently asked me if I have a therapist. At one time in my life I might have been reticent to answer this question. But now I shout it from the roof tops that I need help with embracing imperfection and managing the everyday anxieties of life. My husband and I have a couples therapist and I have an individual therapist because marriage, being a parent of two, working in a helping profession, and just being human are all hard work.  

I am writing this article to normalize matraesence and patraesence so people will know that having a hard time with this shift is normal for fathers and mothers, and this is something we need to talk about more in our culture. I also recommend that anyone suffering from this transition reach out — whether to a therapist, clergy person, spiritual director, friends, family members, parents group, or other new parents. When we reach out, we will become more comfortable asking for help in the future and we also will likely be supported by people who validate our feelings and encourage us to take care of ourselves during any season of change.

-This article was originally published by The Lookout Mountain Mirror.