There is so much I forgot about parenting a wee little one. My son, Miles, just turned 14 months. As I write these words tears are flooding my eyes because I am supposed to start calling Miles a toddler now that he is walking so proficiently, but somehow, I don’t feel quite ready to refer to him as a toddler. The word infant comes from the Latin word en-fant, which means non-speaking. And the word toddler comes from the Scottish word toddle.
So our English language indicates Miles is no longer an infant because he is walking and talking. Our little man has about 4 words under his belt, including my favorite word, Momma. But I sure do wish there was a was a term like “taby” or “waddler” to describe this magical and transitional stage of moving from being a baby to toddler.
While Miles can only say a few words, there are other signs he sees and understands what we us. He grabs my hairbrush to brush his hair, he puts his sister’s bows on his head, and he attaches my hair clips to his hair. When I watched him put his sister’s white bow on his head this morning it was hilarious, a moment of joy and wonder, and also a scary reminder that he is watching everything we do.
When I was collecting my hours to become a licensed therapist, my supervisor explained to me that the word intimacy is best translated as in-to-me-see. In our best moments as parents, we see the wonder of moments that are small and ordinary like a 14-month-old putting his sister’s bow on his head.
And it feels so good to be seen, doesn’t it? Last night, I told my daughter what a great job she was doing brushing her teeth, and she beamed with pride and stood up straighter. My simple compliment seemed to matter deeply to her.
During the COVID-19 outbreak, like many of you I sometimes felt isolated and lonely. One of the best things I did during the summer of 2020 was joining the Chattanooga Zoo. All of a sudden, I had sweet communion with so many animals during a time I felt physically disconnected from church, friends, family, and clients.
What is your favorite zoo animal? As a child I was a big fan of the otters and zebras. But surprisingly, during the COVID-19 outbreak my zoo animal of choice was the American Crow. One day I said hello to the Crow and he said hello back. I was shocked. I knew parrots, macaws, and other birds talked, but I had no idea crows uttered words! I googled “talking crows” and was relieved I was not delusional and that crows are very intelligent birds who can speak. I encourage you to go to the Chattanooga Zoo’s website where you can search for the American Crow and read all sorts of fun facts about this wise bird.
I eventually learned the name of the Chattanooga Zoo’s Crow is General Lee. In this time of isolation, General Lee was a point of connection. As time went on, my daughter Isabelle also would find great delight in General Lee’s greetings, but also monkeys putting a hand to her hand on the glass, and peacocks dancing and fanning their feathers. We felt enveloped and seen by the animals at the zoo during a season of separation from other loved ones.
In life, we have the choice every day to open our eyes and see the beauty in animals, nature, our loved ones, and life itself. But instead of moving in the direction of intimacy, our current culture seems to beckon us to bully, gossip, ghost others on social media, and use dehumanizing language towards those who think differently.
Intimacy with others might also be difficult if you were raised by a critical parent. If a parent berated you as a child, you might have a strong inner critic and tend to be hard on yourself and others. High expectations towards yourself and others can create a wall with others, but it can also make it difficult to find peace and union with your own self.
I would like to offer a simple mindfulness exercise that might help you find more intimacy with yourself and others.
• First: Connect with your body and breath in this moment. Take a breath in and out with gentle awareness. Feel the goodness in each breath, and take a moment to see yourself and consider 3 ways you are a gift to this world. This might be hard to do, but keep breathing in and out and try to see yourself and 3 strengths you have and offer this world.
• Next: Take a moment to see in your mind’s eye a person in your life who sees you and accepts you just as you are. Find gratitude for this person who accepts, celebrates, and sees you.
• Finally: As you continue to breathe in and out, I invite you to imagine a person in your orbit who is difficult to see. Take a moment to consider three strengths this person has. If you immediately think of their weaknesses, try to come back to their gifts and graces.
• Conclude with prayer hands at your heart. Remind yourself that you, your loved ones, and even this person who is hard to love are all worthy of love and belonging. Set an intention to keep trying to see yourself and others.
Mindfulness is a practice that is inviting you to pay attention to the world around you. When I live mindfully, I start to be more aware of the wonder of my little one putting a bow on his head and the sweet crow saying hello, the wonder of my loved ones, the wonder of this precious life, the wonder of myself, the wonder of someone in my life who is hard to love, and even the wonder of a divine presence who sees and loved me just as I am. In order to find intimacy you have to open your eyes to see the goodness in children, animals, life, yourself, and even in that person who is radically different than you.
A version of this article was originally published for the Lookout Mountain Mirror.
