After living in 7 southern states and England, I moved to Chattanooga over 15 years ago and I finally felt like I had found my place and home, but it would not be honest if I didn’t admit there are also parts of living here that have been a struggle for me.
Not long after moving to North Chattanooga, I remember running into a neighbor at an event at the Tivoli and it felt like my neighbor was quizzing me about where I went to high school. I went to a great public high school in the Nashville area, but my neighbor attended a private high school here in Chattanooga and it was clear he held the private school system in higher esteem. During the conversation, my inebriated neighbor’s tone and body language conveyed that he was sizing me up and it was clear that I did not measure up. My neighbor seemed more interested in whether I came from family money and attended an elite private high-school.
While most people in this area have been warm and welcoming, there are times when Chattanooga has felt like an insular place that is more open to people with similar backgrounds and those with deep roots in this community.
When I moved from North Chattanooga to Lookout Mountain, I once again experienced moments where I felt like I did not belong or measure up to others. During the first 5+ years you live on Lookout, your home is often known by the last name of the previous owners. When we moved here people called our home, the Johnston home, which made me laugh because it felt like the community was not quite ready to trust us. We may have had mortgage papers for our house, but it was not quite our home yet. While I am not a gardener, I know talented gardeners here who felt ostracized by never being invited to be a member of a garden club.
I have had friends express to me that the church you attend, where you send your children to school or went yourself, whether you are a member of the country club, what profession you and/or a spouse has, and if you have the infamous golf-cart can all inform your experience of life on Lookout and whether you feel a sense of belonging.
I have also talked to friends who live in Chattanooga and on Signal Mountain, who have conveyed how difficult it can be to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance in these areas as well.
I suspect that most of the people reading this article have had many moments in your life when you felt like you did not measure up because of where you went to school, where you live, what you drive, your professional title, and many other factors. A survey of 20,000 U.S. adults validates that 46 percent of people report feeling lonely regularly. If you are one of these people, I hope the reminder that almost 50 percent of people feel this way will normalize this feeling for you. If you are like me and have moments of feeling lonely, comparing yourself to others, or buying into the narrative you are an outsider, it can be vital to rediscover a sense of belonging and connection. Reclaiming your sense of belonging will not happen overnight, but I would like to share four pathways I utilize in my own life to cultivate a sense of belonging.
Prioritize In-Person Interactions
You will find a greater sense of emotional attunement and higher levels of the feel-good hormone oxytocin when you are in the presence of other people’s facial expressions, voice, and physical body. Touch, eye contact, and someone’s tone of voice convey emotional nuances that Instagram and texts miss.
To foster deeper connections, we must prioritize spending time with people in person. You might catch up with a friend over coffee or join a book club. And when we connect with others deep listening, vulnerability, and offering empathy are always pathways to feeling a deeper sense of belonging.
Connect To Your Body
It is important to remember that your body is your home. The safer you feel in your body, the deeper sense of security you will feel in the world around you. Practices such as acupuncture, massage, pedicures, going to the gym, and yoga help me to have a deeper sense of belonging in my body and in turn a greater ability to connect with others. Communities such as The YMCA, The Sportsbarn, The Hive, and Yoga Landing have been invaluable to me during my years living in this area.
Go Inside Yourself
So often we think we have to find a sense of belonging externally, but true belonging comes from somewhere deep inside of us. In Paul Tillich’s book, The Eternal Now, he shares, “Our language has wisely sensed these two sides of man’s being alone. It has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.” In my own life the deeper my comfort is with solitude and the glory of being alone, the less worried I am about needing to feel seen and validated externally. Practices in my own life that help foster a deeper sense of connection to myself include nature, worship, yoga, silence, and reading poetry.
Allow Nature To Hold You
My family has been more intentional this year to go to Ruby Falls, Rock City, The Chattanooga Zoo, The Aquarium, Reflection Riding, hiking trials, and so many other Chattanooga gems that allow our family to be bathed by nature. When I show up to any of these places, I am reminded that I belong to the great tapestry of nature and I feel less alone and enlivened by connection to the natural world.
In this lonely world, the antidote to loneliness is not more followers or likes on social media, but instead the courage to connect to nature, others, ourselves, and our bodies. The path to belonging will not happen overnight and you will encounter setbacks on the journey, but every effort you make brings you closer to kinship with your body, self, loved ones, nature, life itself, and the divine. So if you have moments of feeling like you don’t belong or measure up, please refrain from withdrawing from the world and allow your soul to be nourished by intentional connection.
