Choosing Kind Responses In the Midst of Differences
When we have high anxiety, we often become the worst version of ourselves, and likewise when a nation is anxious it also becomes the worst version of itself. Right now seems to be one of those seasons, where we are struggling as a society to be our greatest selves. Daily I hear stories from clients and loved ones about people feeling judged for how they are choosing to navigate the coronavirus. One person recounted to me their experience of going into a store and being surprised to experience, what they perceived to be judgement, as the only patron wearing a mask. Other loved ones have told me they have been made fun of in public for wearing masks. On the flip-side, I know folks who have felt condemned by their decision to find their way back to life in ways such as sending their child to daycare, getting take-out food or sitting outside at a restaurant.
If we are honest, there have probably been moments during this pandemic where all of us have judged others who have made different choices than we have, and we also have likely experienced judgment from others regarding our COVID-19 choices. I know on my worst days I have felt self-righteous about my opinions regarding the coronavirus, but on my better days I remember Paul’s sage advice to the Corinthians, in which he shared, “we see through a mirror dimly.” We must be mindful that our rigid stances about the “right” way to approach this pandemic, is creating a world that is becoming more and more alienated from one another.
The psychologist, Dr. John Gottman created the acronym, Attune, to help couples mend tension in a romantic relationship and I have adapted this to help us all strive to have more emotional attunement with one another during these polarized times.
Awareness- Let’s exercise awareness when we feel resistant to others who think differently than us. What is it about their ideology that is making us uncomfortable?
Turning Towards- If someone thinks radically differently than we do, instead of unfriending them on Facebook or arguing with them, let’s attempt to stay connected with them and turn towards them. One simple way to turn towards someone is to just take a moment to visualize the colleague, friend or family member you think most differently from in your mind and heart, and then send them light and love.
Tolerance-As John F Kennedy said, “Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one’s own beliefs. Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others.” Is there a political party, religious group or person in your life you need to offer patience, acceptance and positive regard?
Understanding-The Prayer of St. Francis invites us to seek to ‘understand,’ rather than be ‘understood.’ The renowned psychotherapist, Dr. Harriet Lerner, wisely reminds us, “If only our passion to understand others were as great as our passion to be understood.” What would it look like for us to seek to understand someone who thinks radically different than us, instead of trying to convert them to our way of seeing things? How can we listen in a deeper way so that we can understand the position of others?
Non-defensive Responses- Learning to respond in a non-defensive manner is a spiritual practice. Try to think back to a time in your life when you reacted defensively. If you had a do-over, how might you react again in a kinder way? A non-defensive response would be something like, “Thanks for letting me know your thoughts. I will give this some thought.” You might consider pausing by taking a deep breath before responding to someone when you feel defensive. A non-defensive response can include telling loved ones that we disagree with their particular view of the coronavirus, politics or religion, as long as we do this respectfully.
Empathy- One way to build empathy is to imagine ourselves in another person’s shoes. Many people have lost their jobs and are facing evictions. Empathy invites us to think about people who are struggling to find childcare as they continue to work. Others are worried about how they will put dinner on the table.
I believe the hallmark of a healthy society is the ability to allow for differences in how each of us navigate this pandemic. Making allowances for others does not mean that we always agree with others vantage points, but what it does mean is that we are striving to extend compassion to one another. Let’s try to turn toward one another and have awareness, tolerance, understanding, non-defensiveness and empathy during these tough times.
Let’s seek to understand one another,
Christy
This article was originally published by The Lookout Mountain Mirror. www.mountainmirror.com
