Have you ever had a boss who was a micromanager? I have had a private practice for over 8 years and so it has been a long time since I worked full-time under a manager, but I can remember how painful it was to have a boss who was intense, controlling, and only saw a situation from their point of view.
I can recall one of my supervisors pounding their fists on the table, as they instructed me on ways I was not measuring up in my role. I left my boss’ office feeling unseen, but also wishing my supervisor could see how much I cared for my clients and how deeply I connected with them.
If you have a taskmaster as a manager or have in the past, you know they often project their own stressors onto you, they have type A personalities, they nitpick about small details, they need to be in control, they rarely compliment you on what you do well, it is hard for them to apologize, and you likely feel unappreciated by them. Employees often leave the office of a controlling boss feeling small and so the associate ironically becomes less productive and might even spend the rest of their work day searching on indeed.com for other job opportunities.
Micromanaging personalities don’t only show up in the work place. You might also have a friend, family member, or a leader in a religious community who you sometimes feel run over by. These types of personalities can send you a text or email that leaves you feeling deflated. Or if you are talking to them in person, you might feel their expectations and judgement.
I would like to share 10 ways you might respond differently with a micromanager, in order to preserve your own dignity and mental health.
1. When possible, try to take a deep breath in and out, before responding to a tough situation
If a controlling person in your life has emailed or texted you, take a deep breath and/or take some time before you respond to their message. If the encounter is in-person try to stay emotionally regulated through pausing to breathe, being aware of your tone, responding non-defensively, and maintaining eye contact.
2. Recognize this is their personality and management style
Try to depersonalize as much as you can by realizing that this Type A person has a personality or management mindset that values being in control and they likely have a blind spot when it comes to being aware of how this comes across to others. Your manager may be power-hungry at work because they don’t have power in other parts of their life or because they grew up feeling like they did not have control over circumstances in their childhood.
I know the manager who I struggled with, also was guilty of micromanaging others associates in the office. I spoke to several employees who were tearful as they shared with me their own difficult interactions with this manager. Like me, they felt intimidated by her tone and expectations.
You might also remind yourself that you too can be unconscious at times of how your own personality comes across to others.
3. Be mindful that you cannot change them or control how they see you
It is not your job to fix the micromanager. It is also likely a waste of your time to try to prove your worth to them. Until they see their own value more fully, they will struggle to see your gifts. Micromanagers will not be able to offer you empathy, until they offer it to themselves. Taskmasters will not be able to give you grace, until they give it to themselves. Controlling personalities will expect you to overfunction, because they have not learned the art of resting. The only thing you can fix and control is how you are showing up at work and in life.
4. Set boundaries and stand up for yourself
Even if your boss does not use their days at work, take time off. If they accuse you of not completing a task a certain way, let them know in a kind and assertive tone when they are wrong. Use “I” statements to express your needs and feelings, without trying to blame them.
5. Remind yourself you might be letting them have too much power if you allow a micromanager to “ruin your day
If you have had a run in with a taskmaster, you can stew in your feelings or as Taylor Swift sings you can “Shake It Off.” When you have a moment with a micromanager call a friend, journal about your feelings, paint a picture, say a prayer, go for a run, pet your cat or dog, meditate, go to a yoga class, or find another healthy way to move the negative feelings out of your body.
6. Try to empathize with the taskmaster
I remember learning the person who was micromanaging me had a parent who was living in their home, and they were caregiving for this parent. So my manager was trying to manage all the employees on their team, respond to their own manager’s expectations, and care for an aging and sick parent. And who knows what other stressors they might have been facing that were not known to me?
7. Be curious about whether you have any part in problems that arise between you and your controlling manager
If a micromanager is upset about your lack of organization or time management, it is important to consider whether any of their feedback might be true. It helps us to grow as individuals when we can admit our part in problems that arise. Certainly you don’t always have a part, when a manager gets mad at you, but if you can learn to be curious about when you do have a part in a difficult situation, it will likely help you have stronger relationships with your boss, friends, and family members.
8. Instead of demonizing your micromanager, humanize them and remind yourself of ways you can be like them
The world we live in loves to think in binary ways.
• My boss is such an angry person (but I never get irritated).
• My manager is such a control freak (but power does not matter to me).
• My supervisor is such a negative person (but I am so positive).
• My taskmaster is such a workaholic (but I am great at work-life balance).
When I find myself saying dehumanizing things about others, it is often an opportunity to come back to uncomfortable truths about myself by admitting the shadow side I see in them, is also inside of me. I might humble myself by saying:
• I can be angry.
• I can be controlling.
• I can be negative.
• I can be a workaholic.
Yes, you will feel an ouch, but as Carl Jung theorized the weaknesses you see in others are often a projection of the parts of yourself that you are repressing or don’t want to acknowledge.
9. Choose your battles
It is important to decide when to respond to your boss and what you will let slide. People who are emotionally intelligent learn the art of when to speak up and when to let things go.
10. You can seek support
If the micromanagement is excessive or abusive, and you have spoken directly to the person who is micromanaging you, but they aren’t responding in a professional way, please consider seeking support from your HR department or the owner of your company.
I encourage you to talk a trusted therapist, mentor, or colleague about the problems at work to get their perspective before you report the controlling manager.
In closing, if you are struggling with a micromanager or a controlling person in your life, I hope you will remember your value. Your worth is not tied to the validation of the person who is belittling you. I also encourage you to set boundaries and speak up for yourself and the skills and contributions you bring to the workplace. Also, be mindful that even though dealing with an intimidating manager can be challenging, it can also be an opportunity to grow in self- awareness and learn how to relate better to others.
