Exploring Your Growing Edges Through the Enneagram
I am a big fan of the Enneagram as a pathway that helps us understand ourselves and one another. Like the Myers Briggs, the Enneagram is a personality typing system, but this personality system is unique because it not only helps us understand our persona, but also invites us to grow emotionally and spirituality. If you have never taken the Enneagram personality test, you might consider going to www.enneagraminstitute.com to take the $12 test. If you prefer a free test check out this one: https://enneagramtest.net/
The Enneagram says there are nine personalities and each of these personalities has considerable strengths and weakness. But each personality also has one particular Achilles heel, and once we become aware of this vice we are more able to move toward transformation and life. The Enneagram utilizes the seven deadly sins from the church’s traditional list of seven deadly sins (pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth), and adds two more sins (deceit and fear). The deadly sins are sometimes referred to as the shadow side or deadly passions. I like to refer to them as the nine growing edges, because this implies that we can continue to soften our edges and move toward becoming the best version of ourselves.
The Enneagram says we have one primary number, but that all nine numbers live in us. Because all nine numbers live in us, you have likely battled with at least one of these deadly passions at some point in your life. I know that I’ve wrestled with each of the nine deadly sins. These nine growing edges can separate us from God, life, our work, ourselves and one another. Let’s look at each of these nine shadow sides.
Type 1, The Perfectionist
Growing Edge-Anger or Resentment
Because of their need for perfection, type ones on the Enneagram don’t always acknowledge their anger. They have high expectations of themselves and others. They are very ethical and want people to do things the “right way” and because no one meets their high standards, they often feel resentment towards others. Ones grow as they learn to be more patient with others and themselves.
Anger and Resentment in My Life
I have to work hard to acknowledge my anger. I was taught as a young woman that good Southern girls aren’t allowed to be angry. As a child I could feel scared or sad, but anger was an expression for the boys. Boys were allowed to be tough, angry and fight with one another, but I never fought with another kid and I would cry if someone hurt my feelings. Because I categorized anger as an emotion that only boys were allowed to feel, I have had to work hard in my adult life to identify my anger and express it in healthy ways. When I acknowledge my anger, it becomes easier to move towards letting go of my high expectations towards others. As I learn to let go and forgive, I experience the antidote to anger, serenity.
Type 2, The Helper
Growing Edge: Pride
Helpers are deeply aware of other people’s needs, but they struggle to identify their own needs. Twos help others at the expense of themselves. Twos take pride in their ability to help others. They want to be seen as likeable and good, and so their pride is often in their own virtue and need to be indispensable to others. Twos benefit from self-care and self-love, because instead of pridefully proving their worth to the world, they find their value inside themselves. .
Pride in My Life
I am a type 2 on the Enneagram. One way this pride manifests for me is through gift giving. Many of my closest friends have told me that I am generous and one of my friends, Lauren, who is a talented artist even created me a beautiful painting of the word, generous. My friend said she painted this painting for me because I am one of the most generous people she has known. Her painting and compliment was humbling since Lauren is one of the most sincere and generous people I have ever known.
This generosity is a strength of mine and often comes from a place of pure love, but I am also aware that there are times when I might give an extravagant gift because of my need to be seen in a positive light or to be liked. When I give too much of my time or money to help others, this usually turns into resentment. Pride is not always a shadow side I want to acknowledge in myself and yet as I see this pride inside me, I can more readily acknowledge my own humanness and this leads to growth.
As I let go of pride, I find the opposite trait of humility. I view humility as my ability to see my weaknesses and need for transformation, instead of living in the sin of pride which can lead me down the road of arrogance.
Type 3, The Achiever
Growing Edge, Deceit
Threes are very image focused. They have an chameleon like quality and can change their demeanor wherever they are in order to impress others. They often work the crowd in order to appear successful, knowledgeable and important. If you talk to five different people about a three in their life, they all might describe the three in radically different ways. This in-authenticity makes people view threes as deceitful. But threes ultimately deceive themselves by not giving themselves permission to be who they truly are. The three starts to change and grow as they stop charming others, and instead authentically become their truest self.
Deceit in My Life
I can definitely identify with the word chameleon. I grew up as the child of an alcoholic and because I felt embarrassed by my dad’s alcoholism, I tried to please others in order to prove my worth. This part of me who want to please and accommodate others, can easily shift into being who people need me to be instead of being who I am. There are times when being a chameleon can be a strength, but if I am not careful it can lead to me towards losing my capacity to be my truest self.
I remember once having a boss, who advised me to stay off the radar in order to please the powers that be in the workplace. Because I loved my boss, I listened to her advice and tried to mind my Ps and Qs and keep my head down. Unfortunately, this eventually led to some anxiety, because my need to accommodate authority, meant that I lost my own unique voice and did not speak up enough regarding matters of injustice in the workplace.
If we are not careful, deceiving others through being who they want us to be, can lead to the loss of our true self. The opposite of deceitfulness is living truthfully or authentically. Being my authentic true self is often the harder and more vulnerable path, but also the more rewarding one.
Type 4, The Individualist
Growing Edge: Envy
Fours are always comparing themselves to others and imagining life as better somewhere else. If only they had that job, house, car or girlfriend-then they could be truly happy. Instead, fours feel perpetually discontent and others experience them as moody and broody. They deeply want to be viewed as special, different and unique. Because the grass is always greener in another job, relationship or life, the four believes life has dealt them a bad hand and they are often envious of their friend’s lives. Fours often move towards wholeness when they are able to find equanimity in their emotions, by not only feeling the pain of life, but also seeing the beauty, joy and many gifts surrounding them.
Envy in My Life
Envy can manifest as comparing ourselves to others or being competitive. Yoga has been a important regular self-care practice in my life for many years. I love yoga so much that I become certified as a yoga teacher almost 5 years ago. Yoga has taught me a lot about my propensity to compare myself to others both on and off my yoga mat. There is always someone in a yoga class who is more flexible than I am. I also have never been even close to being the strongest yogi in a room. It is very easy to start comparing myself to other yoga practitioners. When I compare myself to others, it feels like rolling around in a mud bath of shame.
But yoga is a practice that encourages me to move towards mindfully being in the present moment. Yoga also invites me to celebrate what I can do on my yoga mat, instead of focusing on my weaknesses. Mindfulness, the present moment and gratitude are all practices that help me to stop comparing myself both on and off the mat.
Type 5, The Investigator
Growing Edge, Avarice
Fives are the most introverted of the nine personalities. They are motivated by knowledge and a five is the type of person who would love to spend the day reading and soaking in new ideas. They feel safest in their own head, and need more time to internally process than other numbers. A synonym for the five’s deadly sin, avarice, is greed. But avarice is different than greed. Greed is a hunger for more wealth or material possessions. The word avarice has more to do with holding onto resources. Fives aren’t necessarily concerned with greed and having more and instead they are inclined to being stingy with what they have. They can withhold knowledge, energy, money, love, time and affection from people in their lives. Their pathway to transformation is learning to be more generous with their spiritual, emotional, intellectual and tangible resources.
Avarice in My Life
When I think of avarice, scarcity thinking or the belief that there will never be enough, is a mindset akin to the deadly sin of avarice that I unfortunately participate in when I am not mindful. I can easily start to worry about not having enough money for retirement and decide not to give money to a non-profit. I also can be guilty of being overwhelmed by the laundry and decide I don’t have time to go on a walk with a friend. I can be engulfed by the needs of my one year old daughter, and withhold affection from by husband. A scarcity mindset whispers in my ear that there is not enough money, time or affection to go around for all. For me, the direct contrast to scarcity thinking or avarice is abundant thinking. When I think in more abundant ways I realize that there is enough time for laundry and a walk with my friend and enough affection for not just my daughter, but also my felines and my husband! Scarcity thinking is rooted in fear and fear convinces us there is not enough time, money or love, but abundance thinking convinces us that we do have enough and can offer this to others.
Type 6, The Loyalist
Growing Edge: Fear
The six views the world as a scary place and during this pandemic and polarizing political season, the Six’s view of the world seems justified. Sixes have an apocalyptic view of the world and the end of the world is always just around the corner. They are tribalistic group thinkers who are always looking for some authority figure to make them feel secure. Sixes tend to vacillate between trusting too much and not trusting others. When they do commit and decide to trust others by joining a book club or religious group, they will be loyal to the end. Sixes become their best self when they open their hearts up to the world and also as they embody the spiritual qualities of faith, hope and courage.
Fear in My Life
I grew up with a dad who was a worry wart. He worked as a claims manager and because he had seen one too many insurance claims involving kids getting hurt on the trampoline, my brothers and I were not allowed to have a trampoline or jump on neighbors’ trampolines as children. It gave me great joy as a college student to jump on the trampoline at the college President’s home!
Now that I am a parent, I understand my dad’s fearfulness was rooted in his love for us. I sometimes worry if I am not careful I could become a helicopter parent, because of my love and desire to protect my 15 month old daughter, Isabelle.
Thankfully, my younger brother, Jeff, became a parent prior to me and he has been a great model to me of trying to find balance between caution and courage. Jeff is very aware of our family tendency to think in catastrophic ways about what might go wrong at every turn and so he has been mindful and intentional to live courageously and let his daughter swim in the ocean, despite the sharks and jump on the trampoline, even though she might break an arm. My brother’s wife died of brain cancer when their daughter was 3 years old. Obviously, an experience like this would give my brother, Jeff, every opportunity to fear the world and yet he keeps choosing to live life courageously.
I think it is going to be hard work for me, but I am hoping I will choose faith over fear and courage in the midst of anxiety. Courage, faith and trust are all needed values to counteract the my own propensity to engage in fear. When I choose to have courage in the midst of my fears, there is a feeling of freedom that envelops my body.
Type 7, The Enthusiast
Growing Edge: Gluttony
Sevens often think in terms of “what’s next” in an attempt to avoid the present moment. They are especially likely to avoid anything hard or painful. They are a Pollyanna type who like to think positively and have fun. Because sevens like to have fun and avoid pain, they are the most likely number to numb their pain through immediate gratification. This make them more prone to addiction and they might numb their pain through sex, wine, food, video games, Netflix or traveling. Sevens engage in gluttony and know the meaning of too much of a good thing! Sevens find health and wellness, when they choose moderation, in lieu of excess.
Gluttony in My Life
I especially struggle with gluttony in my life when I don’t give myself permission to feel my feelings. For example, if I don’t give myself space to feel the loneliness of COVID or the grief of loved ones who have died, I end up numbing my pain through eating too much comfort food or watching too many television shows on Netflix. When I catch myself watching too many movies or eating too many treats, I try to ask myself the question, “What am I numbing?” I have a client who asks herself the question, “What am I feeding?” These questions are helpful ways to acknowledge feelings and externalize them, instead of pushing them down through self-numbing. When I spend time expressing and releasing my feelings through music, tears, yoga, writing or talking to my friends, I find I am less likely to engage in gluttony. When I move away from gluttony, I move toward living a life of moderation. And there is nothing wrong with eating good food and watching television when we are doing this in a more balanced way.
Type 8, The Challenger
Growing Edge: Lust
Eights aren’t necessarily lustful in a sexual way. They primarily lust after control and power. Eights are energetic, confident, argumentative, passionate, confrontational and domineering. Other people often experience eights as intense. Like sixes, eights struggle with trust and they avoid vulnerability at all costs. They value autonomy and do not like feeling a loss of control. Eights find abundant life when they start to trust others, ask people for help, show others their vulnerability and inner teddy bear and let go of their need for control and power.
Lust in My Life
Throughout my life, I’ve had to be intentional to work on letting go of control. I come by this honestly as an oldest sister. But I also believe my need for control is an outcome of my dad’s struggle with workaholism and alcoholism. Even though he wrestled with these demons, he also was an amazing father in other ways. In fact, my dad is an example of how paradoxical all of us can be. We all have our strengths and our growing edges. As a consequence of my dad’s addiction issues, I had a pretty typical response for an oldest child. I became the the hero child. In psychology classes I learned, the hero child is a hard-working and over-achieving perfectionist who tries to fix the problems in the family and create the illusion that things aren’t as bad as they seem. The problem with this type of personality is that it creates a person who tries to be too autonomous and does not allow others to nurture them. And many of us, if we are honest, struggle with the need to be in control and to handle everything on our own.
We are also culturally conditioned here in the United States to be independent. We live our lives like we are islands, who don’t need help from God or others. But as I have matured I have learned to collaborate with others more and to not carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Type 9, The Peacemaker
Growing Edge: Sloth— Nines are not inevitably physically complacent, even though they might struggle with this. Instead for most nines, sloth refers more to the nines inability to live the abundant life on their own terms. Nines like to avoid conflict and they often please and defer to others at the expense of themselves. When they succumb to complacency and live life without a focus and drive, they can go the entirety of their lives without a true identity or sense of purpose. Nines live life fully when they focus on their own dreams and desires, instead of accommodating others.
Sloth in My Life
Sloth is not a shadow side I struggle with regularly, but when it does rear its ugly head, it usually is because I have been accommodating others too much. In turn, this leads to resentment and the blues and these feelings cause me to shut down and move towards complacency. So for me, sloth has historically shown up whenever I have over-functioned at home, work, on a board, in a friend group or at church. When I say yes too much to others, I don’t say YES to myself enough and I inevitably lose my self-care practice and work-life balance. Unfortunately, the lack of “me time” leads to me feeling frustrated and down and turns into sloth. So my therapeutic remedy for sloth is setting boundaries, practicing self-care and seeking balance in life.
I encourage you to take out a journal and think about how each of the 9 deadly sins are present in your life. Initially you might feel resistance to looking at your shadow side. You might be convinced you don’t struggle with any or some of these 9 growing edges. However, try and dig a little deeper. It is only when we wrestle with our demons, that we can be on a path of transformation.
Let’s acknowledge our growing edges,
Christy
