An Invitation to Befriend Your Inner Child

One universal truth is you have childhood wounds inside you that inform who you become as an adult. The inner child lives inside you and can inform your responses to the present. As a child, you may have learned you were better off if you stayed off the radar. Speaking up would cause conflict and so you learned to stay in the background. Maybe you felt like you had to be the hero or responsible figure because your parents were underfunctioning. Maybe you had a beautiful childhood, but there was still a subtle message that you had to earn your love through acheivement.

In my work with clients I do inner child work. During this inner child work I am inviting my clients to explore the pain of their childhood and find words of comfort their inner child needs from them now. For example, in my childhood I was the oldest child of an alcoholic father. I tried to prove my worth through perfectionism, responsibility, and chronic helping. So now my inner child often needs to be reminded of the importance of imperfection, boundaries, rest, and saying no.

Your own story might be similar or different from mine. Whether your wounding was caused by divorce, moving, physical, sexual, or psychological abuse, a parent who had mental illness, or another traumatic experience; the feelings, thoughts, and experiences from your childhood live inside you. In my own life writing, yoga, therapy, dream work, and meditation have all continue to help heal my inner child.

The Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, died earlier this year. In his book, Reconciliation, he shared that inside each person is a suffering child and in order to protect yourself from future pain you repress suffering. When you experience pain within, it’s your inner wounded child who is showing up. Pushing down the pain often exacerbates the suffering.

Thich Nhat Hanh advises a breathing meditation where on your inhale you say, “I go back to my inner child,” and on the exhale you say, “I take care of my inner child.” You can also take care of your inner child by treating your inner child with with empathic compassion by saying, “I love you,” “I am going to do everything I can to heal your wounds,” “I’m sorry you feel this way,” “You went through so much,” and “Thank you.”

In my practice I utilize the Enneagram Personality Typing System. As I have studied this system I have realized the ego personality is often a way we tend to avoid the needs of our inner child. While developing an ego is an important step in the formation of a human being, we also can get stuck in our ego and it can keep us from attending to our inner child. When we are trapped in ego we avoid pain and suffering through caregiving, success, perfectionism, academic degrees, proving our worth, addiction, financial security, people-pleasing, power and control, and a multitude of other coping mechanisms.

The Enneagram offers 9 childhood messages people may need to hear in order to heal their inner child. Which one of these childhood messages resonates most with you?

Type One: You are good.
Type Two: You are wanted.
Type Three: You are loved for yourself.
Type Four: You are seen for who you are.
Type Five: Your needs are not a problem.
Type Six: You are safe.
Type Seven: You will be taken care of.
Type Eight: You will not be betrayed.
Type Nine: Your presence matters.

(Wisdom of the Enneagram, Russ Hudson and Don Riso)

It is important to ask your inner child, “Which of these messages do I need to hear?” It may be that one or several of these childhood messages resonates with your inner child. It may be that another message arises inside of you.

In my own life, when I listen to my inner child it often reminds me that I don’t have to me so serious. My daughter, Isabelle, is currently potty training. When she is successful, we do a silly potty dance in the bathroom next to her pink potty that often results in laughter and joy radiating from both of us. When we do the potty dance my inner child often smiles because it did not experience enough play in my childhood and teen years. In my adulthood I have often run from the needs of my inner child through being good, helpful, responsible, and busy. My inner child is slowly healing, as I start to listen to what she needs. I encourage you to take some time on your own or under the guidance of a therapist to listen to your own inner child. Talk to her, listen to her, and ask her what she needs.

A version of this article was originally published in the http://mountainmirror.com