Let Go of the Ego & Be Like Water

Have you ever had the experience of someone sharing a song, a scripture, a poem or a passage from a book that was just what you needed to hear in that moment in time? Recently this happened to me during a yoga class in New Mexico, when the teacher shared a moving section of the book, The Penelopiad, by Margaret Atwood. Listen to these profound words:

Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.

These words allowed me to reflect on how I want to embody the patient, flexible, graceful and gentle way of water. We live in such a reactive culture and instead of being fluid like water we can be unmoving and hardened, like a rock.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I sometimes see couples whose hearts have turned to stone towards one another.  The renowned researcher and psychologist, John Gottman, has found evidence to support that couples are headed towards divorce when they are displaying these four characteristics: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  Using biblical language, Dr.Gottman playfully refers to these patterns of communication as the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse.

Criticism is when someone verbally attacks a partner’s habits or personality. Contempt is the choice to demonize a significant other and see the worst in them. Defensiveness is the stance of reactively defending ourselves when we feel attacked by a spouse. Stonewalling occurs in a relationship when one or both parties become Houdini like and withdraw from difficult interactions by refusing to listen and ultimately retreating from one another.

In the current state of our world, criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling obviously happen in all types of relationships and not just in marriages. These four communication styles are not only the pathway to the end of marriage, but also the road to the end of a civilized country. Perhaps we have criticized a friend behind their back because they have different political beliefs than we do. Maybe we feel contempt for a family member because we consider them to be dogmatic and controlling. Possibly we regularly have a defensive posture with a boss at work who is micromanaging us. We also might be guilty of stonewalling a colleague we are angry at by never engaging with them or avoiding stopping by their office. When we respond to people in these ways, we are living out of our egos and closing up our hearts.        

Several years ago there was a news story about a North Carolina woman who went to a coffee shop, where she was mocked and bullied by staff because she was wearing a Trump shirt. I also heard a story about a woman who lived in Chattanooga, Tennessee who had a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her car and one day when she exited her vehicle, two people berated her because of her politics and one of them threw a glass can at her. The can just barely missed her, while she was holding her baby. Whatever side of the political aisle we are on, we should be appalled at how both of these women were treated.

We have the choice every day to become hardened towards one another or to remain gracious, gentle, kind and flexible with one another. I am very mindful of my need to keep tuning into to Margaret’s Atwood’s words: “Water is patient.  Dripping water wears away a stone.” How can we embody the fluidity of water instead of turning our hearts to stone? When we choose the way of water, we will become more compassionate to both ourselves and others. Our choice to becoming flowing water, instead of an unmoving rock, can nurture and soften loved ones who have become hard-edged stones, but it will also change us.

Carl Jung argued that we spend the first half of our lives forming an ego, but the second half of our lives we have the opportunity to work on letting go of our egos. This way of the water is the path of learning to let go of our egos. The inert ego wants to stay stuck in the pattern of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. On the other hand, running water chooses the path of encouragement, unconditional love, reflective listening and intentional engagement with others.

We have the choice of staying trapped in our egos or we can commit to the Jungian challenge of letting go of our ego. Will we choose the deadly path of living in our egos or the life-giving journey of being like water? 

Let’s be graceful like water,

Christy

A version of this article was originally published in The Mountain Mirror newspaper. https://www.mountainmirror.com/