Moving from Loneliness to Life
Many years ago I met with a dying patient, whose name I have changed to Jack. Jack’s doctor told his children to call in the rest of the family, because he was probably only hours away from the end of his life. Jack’s large family included many children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, nieces and nephews. When his family heard he was not responsive and likely dying, some members of his family drove hundreds of miles to be with Jack in what they assumed would be the last few hours of his life. Jack later told me that during his comatose state he was not able to respond verbally to his family, but he did hear everything they were saying about him. He heard his loved ones say “I love you,” share special stories and he listened as they spoke affirming words about his life. Jack smiled as he told me this experience with his family was almost like being present for his own funeral. He said it was so nice to hear his family’s life-giving words and to have all of them with him. Jack believed that the love and presence of his family brought him back to life, even if only for a little while. He admitted that before his family showed up he had been lonely and when they all came it made him want to persevere.
Jack’s words struck me when he said the love and presence of his family brought him back to life. I think it is imperative that we do not underestimate the power living in a connected way can have on a person. Our spiritual connections are very important in all stages of our lives. Unfortunately, we currently live in a very disconnected culture. We might be very connected to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Netflix, television, email and various forms of technology, but this faux intimacy has created individuals who are now lonelier than ever.
The renowned psychologist, Mary Pipher, once asked her college class, “What would it be like to grow up in a world without media?” One of her students who was originally from the Tonga Islands answered:
I never saw television or heard rock and roll until I came to the United States in high school. I had a happy childhood. I felt safe all the time. I didn’t know I was poor. Or, that parents hurt their children or that children hated their parents. I thought I was pretty.
When I was in college I never had my own computer and always used a computer in the library or computer lab. I did not have my first cell phone until I was in graduate school. When I look back at these years without a computer or cell phone, I do believe they were days in which I experienced low levels of anxiety and loneliness and conversely deep connections with others and a strong sense of inner peace.
A clergy person once postulated to me his belief that we need at least a circle of five people in our life to be connected with every week and with whom we can be vulnerable and authentic with in order to stay stable. I am not sure I know the exact magic number of people we need to stay sane, but I do know first-hand from listening to my clients that there is an epidemic of loneliness in our world. Instead of reaching out to friends in times of depression or anxiety, I see far too many people plugging into television and social media, while withdrawing from friends and other important connections.
Amit Ray argues, “Suffering is due to our disconnection with our inner soul.” I believe our soul radiates back to life when we connect to God, our physical self, with mother earth, our own needs, treasured hobbies, with pets and loved ones. Love and connection brought the dying patient, Jack, literally back to life. Our choice to connect can also bring us back to life and serve as an antidote for our loneliness. If you are feeling isolated I encourage you to spend some time reflecting on ways you might reconnect. Please see some possibilities below:
- The Divine (Worship, Prayer, Meditation)
- Your Body (Exercise, Healthy Eating, Deep Breathing)
- The Created World (Bird-watching, Hiking, Gardening)
- Self (Counseling, Expressing feelings, Journaling)
- Others (Volunteering, Dining with a friend, Dating)
The twentieth century theologian Paul Tillich said, “Grace is the reunion of life with life, the reconciliation of the self with itself. Grace is the acceptance of that which is rejected.” Therefore, for Tillich to live in a state of grace is to work towards being reunited with God, others and our selves. We must forge real and meaningful connections with ourselves, one another, nature, our bodies and our higher power in order to live life to the fullest. Once we start to connect, we recognize our interconnectedness to the eco-system and humanity, which will bring us from loneliness to life again.
Let’s stay connected,
Christy
A version of this article was originally published in The Mountain Mirror newspaper. https://www.mountainmirror.com/
