Ways to Release the Pain and Grief of Living

It is amazing how often as a therapist I hear people apologize for their tears. When clients act embarrassed about their tears, I remind them they don’t have anything to be sorry for and I encourage them to cry. I have also worked with clients who have told me that they prefer not to cry with another family member who is grieving, because they need to “be strong” for them. I gently encourage people trying to “be strong” to consider crying with the person they are trying to protect. It is healthy to talk about our feelings and to cry with one another.

In our American society we are all about the pursuit of happiness and so learning to get in touch with our hurts and our tears is often something we resist. But we need to make space to feel the pain of life. These are just a few of the struggles you might be grappling with right now:

•Worries about your health or a loved one’s health

•Frustrations at work

•Dealing with financial problems

•Concerns for the country and the world

•Struggles in a relationship

•Heartache over a break-up or divorce

•Facing infertility

•Trying to overcome an addiction

•Grieving the death of a loved one or pet

The Sufi mystic, Rumi, once said, “There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.” Perhaps what he meant by this is that in our weakness we find strength and in our tears we find an empowering release. The author of Ecclesiastes, Koheleth, shared some sage words similar to Rumi. He advises us, “Frustration is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.” And Shakespeare also seems in tune with Rumi and Koheleth when he implores us in the tragedy of Macbeth to, “Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak, whispers the distraught heart and bids it break.” Shakespeare tells us that in order to heal our brokenness we must allow expression for our mourning through talking and crying.

It might seem paradoxical, but I believe we will be happier in the long run, if instead of internalizing our pain we allow ourselves to experience our grief and pain in the midst of our struggles. Even if a there is a scientific reason you can’t cry, such as a hormonal issue, there are still ways we can release our pain. Embodied practices, such as yoga, help us to surrender pain through the breath and assist the body by calming the nervous system. Simply talking to a friend about your concerns can be another way to give sorrow words and let go of pain. Prayer and meditation are also wonderful ways to let out our feelings. Playing music, singing or artistic endeavors are creative pursuits that allow us to discharge the heartaches we store in our bodies. One somewhat unique way I find a cathartic release is watching what Saturday Night Live might call a “debbie downer” movie! Watching a sad movie actually helps me to empathize with other stories of grief and access my own pain. What helps you release the feelings inside of you?

Almost 16 years ago my grandmother died. She was the last of my grandparents to die and I was extremely close to her. When she died, I can remember wailing. I cried deep from within my gut and found a cathartic release. But I also found healing through talking with others about the incredible ways she had informed by own life and view of the world. Grandparents should never underestimate the impact they can make in the lives of their grandchildren! Think for a moment about something difficult you have experienced in your past. How did you deal with this loss? What helped you to let go of some of the pain?

The following simple meditation is one I use with clients who need to release trauma or grief from the body. Take your right hand to your heart and then take a deep breath in through your nose and on your exhale let out an audible sigh. The louder the sigh is the more you will surrender. I invite you to do this 5 times. This exercise may seem uncomfortable, especially if it is the first time you have tried something like this, but we can let out pain through simple embodied breath practices.

We all need to give voice to our sorrow whether we talk to a friend, a family member, a clergy person, a counselor, a support group or by utilizing specific practices to release our pain. We each have our own distinctive ways of grieving the suffering we encounter on the journey of life. I encourage you to find a time in the near future to give yourself some space to feel the difficulties you are presently facing. Again, some people are not able to cry, but however you do it, I encourage you to find a way to release your sorrow and let out some of the pain you are holding in your body and soul.

Blessed are those who mourn,

Christy

A version of this article was originally published  in the Mountain Mirror.  www.mountainmirror.com